How do we define success? Webster’s dictionary specifies success as” the attainment of favor, eminence, or wealth.” I believe we would concur that Webster’s meaning is quite accurate in regard to how we take a look at individuals that we view to be “successful”. I wish to broaden your thing on this belief with the…
They say there is more than one way to skin a cat. The same goes when you start tearing your hair out with all the frustration, grief, anxiety, and yes, stress. It’s a state of mental conditioning that is like taking that bitter pill down your throat, causing you to lose your sense of self,…
It is also a responsibility of a leader to be a role model. How can leaders be great role models? Personal mastery can help individuals be a better person and also help leaders become role models. According to Peter Senge, “The core to leadership strategy is simple: to be a model. Commit yourself to your…
Some people may think that goals have a definite timeline to accomplish. In part, this is true, but there are certainly ways on how you can hasten the process. You can achieve more great things by focusing on the current job and getting it done, without any compromise. Here are some guidelines from the experts…
There are many different things that will both influence your confidence and also be influenced by your confidence. Confidence is often a somewhat circular subject matter and this can often make it hard to know where to start. This is the case with body language. Being confident gives you better body language. But having better…
Talent stack is a concept coined by Scott Adams, creator of the Dilbert comic. It’s the idea that you can combine normal skills until you have the right kind to be extraordinary.
An example is Scott himself. He’s not the best artist — there are better artists than him. He’s not much of a business expert — there are more savvy experts. He has never taken a college-level writing class. Yet, he created Dilbert, a famous comic strip that appears in 65 countries.[1] Scott is said to have a net worth of $75 million, majority of which comes from Dilbert.[2]
As he says, “When you add in my ordinary business skills, my strong work ethic, my risk tolerance, and my reasonably good sense of humor, I’m fairly unique. And in this case that uniqueness has commercial value.”
Understanding how a talent stack works is important. Normally, people think that success comes from developing talent in one skill. This works well in some fields. In medicine, the natural progression is to pick a specialty. In sports, you train to become best in your field, like Tiger Woods (golf) and Michael Jordan (basketball). In acting, you develop the best acting chops, like Robert De Niro and Morgan Freeman.
But besides becoming world-class in one skill, talent can come from having a unique stack of skills that no one else has. You can utilize different skills to create value in a way no one else can, thus becoming one-of-a-kind in your own league.
Lisa Elfridge is a celebrity make-up artist on YouTube. She was already known prior to starting her website and YouTube channel. But after she started her channel focusing on beauty and makeup tips, her authority and success rose to a whole new level.[3]
Reason? She is one of her kind in her field.
Lisa has a unique talent stack to navigate the ultra-competitive beauty space:
People in the celebrity makeup world have the first two skills. Online makeup gurus have the latter two skills. But Lisa is able to harness all four skills, hence becoming extraordinary in her field. That’s her talent stack.
When I started my blog, I was not much of a writer — I have never taken a professional writing class. I have average web design skills. I have good marketing and business strategy skills. I have very strong analytical skills. And I have a strong passion for growth.
Put these together and I was able to create a coaching business that thrives despite stiff competition. My blend of skills is strong enough to stand out in the market:
Since starting my blog, I have built new skills to further stand out from the competition: public speaking, podcasting, video editing, and networking skills. With a diverse mix of skills, I’m able to stay ahead despite constant market changes.
A talent stack works in this way:
Let’s say you are a software engineer. You are great in your field. You design and develop software with ease. However, you are stuck in a job that pays you almost the same amount every year.
Many software engineers are technically competent but lack the savviness to market themselves. They are simply not taught how to market themselves in engineering and computing classes. A possible talent stack here can be:
You don’t need to be the best in networking/presentation/marketing. Just knowing some networking, presentation, and marketing skills puts you at a sweet spot, ahead of others. Because everyone else (in your field) lacks these skills.
One of my recent clients is a technical developer. In the past year, he learned different technical skills (that are emerging in the market now) to widen his skills set. Doing so increased his appeal as a job candidate. At the same time, we worked on his self-marketing skills — giving his resume an overhaul, focusing on achievements rather than responsibilities, learning to position his skills and capabilities. He also began networking — with recruiters, headhunters, industry peers — to get himself out there.
In the end, he got a job offer that paid him 60% more than his previous job.
If he didn’t upgrade himself, chances of such an attractive job switch are virtually zero. He would be locked in his current company, subjected to the offer presented by his company. In fact this was what happened in his previous jobs. But because of his skill sets, he can navigate the industry easily and get the best offer. He’s not the best marketer. He’s not the best networker. But having decent skills in these are enough to put him ahead.
The goal of a talent stack is to stack different skills to create a sweet spot. A sweet point that dramatically raises your value in a competitive field. This applies whether you are a blogger, salaried employee, business owner, baker, software developer, coach, or something else.
My questions to you:
For example, electronic music tends to be very loud music that is used for raves, nightclubs, and festivals. Kitarō is different. He uses electronic and other instruments to create instrumental, East Asian music that is soothing and pleasing to the ear. In the American music industry, his music is a refreshing change.
He is not the best synthesizer player. He’s not the best flute player or drummer. But his ability to integrate western style of music with eastern elements makes him one of the most prominent musical acts of New-Age music, with more than 100 million copies of his 50 albums sold worldwide.[4] Kitarō’s talent stack lies in his synthesizer skills, his general knowledge in music (self-taught), his familiarity with the Eastern culture (he was born into a family of Shinto-Buddhist farmers), and his connection with nature (he lives in the mountains to get inspiration for his music).[5][6][7]
What new skills can you learn? If you have absolutely no idea what to learn, some true-north skills that are great for stacking are:
Again, you don’t need to be the best in every skill. Simply learning a new skill opens up so many options. For some, learning and combining different skills may be the answer to discover your passion and talent — rather than something that you discover by sitting around and waiting for life to happen.
Read:
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(Image: Joseph Pearson)
What is empathy? It is the ability to understand and share the feelings of another person. The ability to put yourself in other’s shoes, and try to relate and understand where they are coming from, even if the situation is not familiar to you.
Recently I was sharing a personal problem with a good friend from London. Not only did he respond right away, which I didn’t expect because it was late at night his time, but he gave very thoughtful remarks. There were several things he did/said that made me feel better:
I later realized that he had woken up in the middle of the night, but had chosen to respond and engage in an hour-long conversation with me, rather than return to sleep. I later texted him, “Thanks X. I really appreciate having you as a friend. 🙂 “
It goes without saying that empathy is important. I have shared personal problems with friends before but got replies that made me feel worse and regret sharing my problem. I have also made casual remarks that good friends picked up, which later turned into heartfelt conversations, because it created the opening for me to share.
When you have empathy for others, you help them feel better about themselves. You help others relieve their problems. You also strengthen your relationship with the person, because empathy is like a conduit that lets thoughts and emotions flow.
So how can you have empathy? Here are 8 tips to be empathetic to our friends, loved ones, colleagues and family.
On the other hand, when you brush off or dismiss that emotion (e.g. “Relax,” “What’s the big deal?”), or you try to avoid the topic or say something irrelevant, you are not acknowledging — or respecting — their feelings. Think about emotions as the connecting point in a conversation. How you respond to an emotion is central to whether the person continues to share or closes off. When someone expresses an emotion, like “I’m sad,” “I’m angry,” or “I’m frustrated,” acknowledge the emotion. For example: “I’m so sorry that you are feeling this,” “This must be really frustrating,” or “What happened?”
For example, say your friend confides to you that she just broke up with her long-term boyfriend. Asking questions like, “What happened?”, “Are you okay?” or “Why did you guys break up?” can help her open up. It also tells her that you want to hear more. On the other hand, giving nondescript remarks like, “I see, hope you can move on,” or “Breaking up is normal,” or “Rest well and take a break” are not only unhelpful, but shuts them from opening up further.
This is where mirroring comes in. Mirroring means to imitate someone’s nonverbal signals — gesture, speech pattern, or attitude — to build rapport. In my opinion, NLP practitioners have made a bad rep out of mirroring. They teach people to replicate a person’s mannerisms from head to toe. But this misses the point — mirroring is about connecting authentically with others. The goal is not to “copy” someone’s mannerisms blindly, but to use it to build rapport.
For example, if your friend shares a personal fact, reciprocate by sharing a personal fact of your own (if relevant). If they make eye contact, reciprocate by giving eye contact. If they look away, look away and give them some private space. Don’t copy every aspect of their body language without thought. Instead, adjust your behavior to match their’s in tone and vibe.
For example: Someone tells you he just got retrenched. You reply, “I see. Hope you can get a job soon.” What’s wrong with this? Firstly, the person just got retrenched, so he’s likely feeling hurt and depressed. The more empathetic thing to do is to understand how he is feeling first. Secondly, the person may be retrenched because the job market is bad. Saying “Hope you can get a job soon” can feel like you’re rubbing salt into a wound, because it reminds them of the uncertainty ahead.
What will help is to (a) connect the person based on their current emotional state, and (b) move them forward with forwarding questions. In the retrenchment example, a good way to approach the conversation will be asking the following questions, in this order: “I’m so sorry to hear that. What happened?” → “How are you feeling now?” → “What are your plans?” → (and if he wants to look for a job soon) → “What kind of jobs are you looking for?” Insert other questions in between, depending on the exchange.
Another example: Someone just ended a long-term relationship. Saying “Cheer up and be happy” right away is insensitive as it downplays the person’s pain. Instead, ask questions like “How are you feeling?”, “Are you okay?”, “What happened?”, or “Do you want to talk?” to move them out of their pain. While you may have good intentions in telling the person to be happy, it doesn’t help as you are not recognizing their pain. Put yourself in the person’s shoes and imagine how they feel (tip #1). Pace and match the person’s emotional state, rather than trying to rush the conversation to a specific end point.
How can you apply the above to your relationships today? 🙂
Read:
The post 8 Tips to Be Empathetic to Others appeared first on Personal Excellence.
“I find it a challenge to say no to people and often, I end up with too many commitments than I’m comfortable with. However, if I say no, I worry about them being unhappy or offended. Why do I feel this way? How can I learn to say no and not end up feeling bad about it or not offending the other person?” – Ruth
Do you hate saying no? Are you always saying yes to others at the expense of yourself?
I’ll admit it — I used to find it very hard to say no. Whenever someone approached me for something, be it to pick my brain or assist them on a personal project, I would say yes. Part of it was because I didn’t want to leave others in the lurch. Part of it was because I didn’t want to disappoint people. Another part was because I was afraid that the other person would be unhappy if I said no.
Over time though, I realized that saying yes came with its consequences. Because I kept saying yes to everyone, I would have little time for the things on my agenda. My days would be filled with things that others wanted from me, with little to no time for things of my own. I would regularly sacrifice my sleep just so that I could be there for everyone.
It wasn’t long before I became weighed down by the constant pressure to be there for everyone. I was utterly miserable, burnt out, and unhappy. My time was no longer my own — it was taken over by what others wanted from me.
In an ideal world, we want to say yes to everyone, sure. But as you can see from my case, saying “yes” to everyone isn’t the way to go. You need to say no in order to
Yet for many of us, we find it tough to say no. This can be due to reasons such as…
Yet these are not real reasons to say no. Why do I say that?
Ultimately, it’s your right to say no. Every “yes” comes with its costs — the commitment, the time, and the effort to honor the request. While the cost may be small for each “yes,” little trickles of yes’es over a long time will eventually deviate you from your long-term goal.
When it comes to saying no, you want to achieve two aims: you want to say no effectively, and you want to say no tactfully. Here are my 7 tips to say no.
It’s easier to say “no” right away rather than put it off (assuming that you already know that you want to say no). The longer you stall, the more complicated it becomes, because now you have the added pressure of explaining why you took so long to reply. Just be direct and get to the point.
As a general rule, when I find it hard to reject someone, I have a two-sentence rule to get it over and done with. Start off with a “Sorry, I can’t.” Then, give your reason in one sentence. (Or if you don’t want to give a reason, just end it there.) Limiting your rejection to two sentences makes the rejection easier, because rather than give some lengthy explanation about why you can’t do something, which makes you procrastinate saying no, you cut right to the chase. Even if you end up replying in 3-4 sentences or more, the 2-sentence rule helps you get started.
E.g.
Often times we are afraid that if we say “no,” we’ll burn bridges. So we hum and haw and pretend to be okay and say yes. Or we relent and say yes after the person persists.
Here’s the thing — most people will accept your no when you are sincere in your rejection. No games, no gimmicks. Just plain raw honesty, for example, “I’m not free to meet for this period as I’m busy with [X]”, or “This isn’t what I’m looking for, sorry about that.” The people who care enough will understand, while those who take offense probably have unhealthy expectations to begin with.
Note that this tip only works for people who respect your personal space. If you’re dealing with persistent folks who don’t respect your space, then it’s better to just say no without giving too much information.
One of the reasons I struggled with saying no in the past was that I didn’t want to reject the person. My mom wasn’t there for me when I was a child (in that she was emotionally vacant as a person), and that made me want to be there for others. However, as I shared above, saying yes to everyone caused me to burn out. I was downright miserable.
In learning to say no, I learned to focus on the request and not the person. This means that instead of feeling obligated to say yes because I was afraid to let the person down, I learned to look at the request and assess if it is a fit with my plans. Is this something I can realistically do? Is this something I can afford to do right now? In light of all the things on my to-do list, can I do this without compromising on my other to-dos?
If the answer is a “no,” then I’ll reject it. It’s not about the person. It’s nothing personal. It’s simply about the request itself, and the request simply isn’t something I can fulfill at the moment. When you review requests as they are, you objectively reject requests that are not compatible with you, vs. feeling bad for saying no when it’s simply a necessary step in your communication with the person.
We’ve been taught to associate no with negativity, and that saying no will lead to conflict. But it is possible to say “no” and maintain a harmonious relationship. It’s about how you do it.
To start off, stop associating “no” with negativity. Realize that it’s part and parcel of human communication. When you see “no” as a bad thing (when it isn’t), this negative energy will inadvertently be expressed in your response (when it doesn’t have to be). There’s no need to feel bad, feel guilty, or worry about the other person’s feelings (excessively). This doesn’t mean that you should be tactless in your reply, but that you should not obsess over how others will feel.
Next, when saying “no,” explain your position calmly. Let the person know that you appreciate his/her invite/request but you can’t take it on due to [X]. Perhaps you have conflicting priorities, or you have something on, or you simply have no time. You would love to help or get involved if possible, but it’s not something you can afford to do now.
Even though you are rejecting the person’s request, keep the options open for the future. Let the person know that you can always reconnect down the road to meet, collaborate, discuss possibilities, etc.
This is optional, but if you know of an alternative, share it. For example, if you know of someone who can help him/her, then share the contact (with the person’s permission of course). This should only be done if you happen to know an alternative, not to compensate for not saying yes.
Part of the reason I resisted saying no in the past was that I didn’t want to make others feel bad. I felt like I was responsible for how others would feel, and I didn’t want others to be unhappy.
The result was that I would bend over backward just to make others happy. I spent countless late nights catching up on work as I put others’ needs before myself and only had time for my own stuff at night. This was terrible for my health and well-being.
At some point, we need to draw a line between helping others and helping ourselves. To be of service to others, we need to prioritize our own health and happiness. Don’t make yourself responsible for others’ feelings, especially if they are going to respond negatively to your “no’s.” If the person accepts your “no,” great; if not, then that’s too bad. Do what you can, and then move on if it’s beyond what you can offer… which leads me to point #7.
If the person is disrespectful of your needs and expects that you should always say yes, then you might want to re-evaluate this relationship.
Too often we are taught to maintain harmony at all costs, which is why we dislike saying no — we don’t want to create conflict. But when a relationship is draining you; when the other party takes you for granted and the dynamics of the relationship is skewed in the person’s favor, then you have to ask yourself if this connection is what you want. A healthy relationship is one where both parties support each other. It’s not one where one party is constantly giving and giving, while the other person keeps asking and taking.
When I evaluate the relationships that drain me, I realize that they are the relationships where I’m not my real self, where I’m expected to say yes and the other party gets unhappy if I say no. For such relationships, the other person is unhappy as long as there’s a “no” — it doesn’t matter how the “no” is said as the person simply expects a “yes.”
If you’re dealing with such a person, then the question to you is, is this relationship worth keeping? If no, then it’s simple — simply let go of it. If this is an important relationship to you, then let the person know about this issue. It’s possible that they are not aware of what they are doing and an open, honest conversation will open their eyes to it.
So instead of worrying about saying no all the time with this person, which isn’t the real problem, you address the root of the issue — that you’re in a connection where you’re expected to be a giver. Perhaps in the process of doing this, you strengthen your relationship together. Because now you can be openly honest with him/her and say yes or no as you desire, without feeling any guilt, fear, or hesitation — which is what saying no should be about.
Check out related resources:
The post How to Say No: The Definitive Guide appeared first on Personal Excellence.
If you were given a date from the last five years could you say what day of the week it was? One young woman in Australia can remember every single day of her life since she was born. We hear about her life and the research she’s involved with—as a single participant.
You’re reading Mind De-Clutter: 7 Things to Stop Telling Yourself, originally posted on Pick the Brain | Motivation and Self Improvement. If you’re enjoying this, please visit our site for more inspirational articles.
“I don’t like myself. I’m crazy about myself,” said Mae West.
People tend to be too harsh on themselves, thus subconsciously fostering a negative self-image.
Many of us have that little, nagging voice in our head saying “You’re not good enough!” or “You’re never going to make it.”
These seemingly harmless insecurities slowly erode our self-esteem and confidence which can have a serious impact on the way we perceive things and cope with life’s challenges.
If you want to be happier and live a more satisfied life, cut yourself some slack.
Start being kinder to yourself.
And stop telling yourself these 7 things.
OK, there are times when the things you do turn out to not exactly be a good idea.
An inappropriate remark you made about a colleague?
Spending your last cent on those expensive, fancy shoes?
Making a really dumb business move?
Been there, done that.
You can legitimately ask yourself after any of those incidents “What the heck was I thinking?”
It’s true that certain things you do qualify as stupid, but that doesn’t mean that you are too.
And this tiny difference puts things into perspective and helps you avoid the trap of internalizing the situations in which you act daft.
In other words, you need to understand that acting stupid and being stupid are two completely different things.
This doesn’t absolve you of the blame and responsibility for your actions and give you a free pass to do whatever you please not thinking about the consequences however.
So, whenever you’re compelled to exclaim that you’re stupid for doing this or that, mind your language and say “I did something stupid.”
This is one of the worst things you can tell yourself.
Social media, TV and print commercials and the fashion industry are constantly raising the bar and setting unrealistic expectations when it comes to beauty standards, and it’s hard not to compare yourself to all those impossibly and yet effortlessly slender and attractive models and celebrities.
Many people are increasingly sensitive to their physical appearance, and at the same time, they’re too judgmental when it comes to their perceived imperfections.
It’s OK to strive to become the best version of yourself, but negative self-talk won’t get you very far.
Obsessing about your weight, nose, or teeth is something that can have some serious consequences on your self-esteem, so instead of standing in front of the mirror analyzing your “flabby stomach”, “big nose”, or “yellow, crooked teeth”, focus on what you like about your looks.
The trick is to take care of your body, train, eat clean, and try to improve what you can, but avoid negative qualifications.
Also, change your point of view and recognize every positive change that you notice as that will motivate you to persist.
The thing is that you’re more capable than you realize.
You are most probably just too insecure and afraid of failure. And it’s this crippling fear that paralyzes you mentally and prevents you from trying.
As this belief is deeply rooted in your mind, you need to become aware of it and try to summon all your willpower in order to change it.
One way out of this blind alley is embracing failure. Once you realize that the world won’t end if you try and not succeed, a huge burden will fall off your chest, and it will be much easier to apply for that job you used to think was out of your league or ask for a raise.
Another useful thing to do is change your narrative – tell yourself “I can do it!”
At first, you’ll have to fake that sense of self-confidence, but with every seemingly impossible thing you achieve (or even fail to achieve), you’ll be able to dispel that dark cloud of fear, doubt, and insecurity.
Life isn’t always fair.
And this applies to everybody, not just you, even though Instagram might claim otherwise.
When you look at snaps of all those shining, happy people who don’t seem to have a single care in the world and who spend their days having fun with their equally cool friends, traveling around the globe and dining at Michelin-Star restaurants, you feel as if you’re the biggest loser ever.
Yes, the grass is always greener on the other side, and even psychology recognizes the detrimental effect social media has on our lives. Recent studies have shown that there’s a link between using social media and depression, as well as other mental health issues.
Again, focusing on the good things in your life and coming to terms that not everything can be as we’ve planned can help you break that vicious circle of despair and dissatisfaction.
It’s also a good idea to cut down on your social media time and do something that will make you feel better, such as taking a walk or going for a drink with your friends.
Whenever you feel compelled to say this to yourself, remember that it can’t be further from the truth, because there’s always you.
And you love yourself, right?
This is something that most of us say when we’re consumed by self-pity and when we’re feeling down.
But the problem is that if you keep on telling yourself that you’re not worthy of love, you subconsciously start behaving in a manner that prevents you from meeting that someone special.
You stop going out and attending parties, not to mention that you refuse your friends’ attempts to introduce you to new people.
On top of it all, the feeling that you’re in a dark place affects your demeanor which means that you’ll be off Mr/Mrs Right’s radar.
We’re all sick and tired of everything, and that’s OK.
But if you keep on repeating these three words to yourself, they will be stuck in your head, and you’ll start believing that it’s the only option you’ve got.
Life is full of hurdles, but it’s what makes it exciting and dynamic.
Whenever you’re on the verge of waving the white flag, take a break and try to remember the times when you felt the same and when you faced a seemingly insurmountable problem.
Ask yourself how things panned out back then and you’ll realize that you managed to overcome numerous roadblocks over the course of your life.
And this one is no different, but overthinking gets the better of you.
What you should do is get some rest and take your mind off the problem for a while.
Or as Adrian Mole succinctly puts it “Just my luck!”
By blaming that invisible, supernatural entity whose main task is to make your life miserable for everything bad that happens in your life, you actually give up control over your destiny and let yourself go with the flow.
Again, that fear of being responsible for a potential failure rears its ugly head and turns you into a passive observer of your own life.
But, what you need to understand is that you’re an agent of change and that you don’t have to take a backseat.
Things you say to yourself cut deeper than other people’s words, and you need to change your tune for the sake of your well-being. Remember, if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.
Rebecca is a freelance translator passionate about her work, and grateful for the travels it has taken her on. She has recently started writing about some of her experiences at RoughDraft.
You’ve read Mind De-Clutter: 7 Things to Stop Telling Yourself, originally posted on Pick the Brain | Motivation and Self Improvement. If you’ve enjoyed this, please visit our site for more inspirational articles.
