The word “faith” tends to trigger an immediate assumption: religion. But strip away the theological baggage for a moment, and faith is really just a psychological mechanism — a form of trust and commitment that humans rely on constantly, whether or not it has anything to do with belief in a higher power. You use…
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Helen Keller’s life is a testament to the power of hope. Before she was two years old, an illness robbed her of both her sight and hearing. Born in 1880 — an era when being a woman was treated as a limitation and disability was often seen as diminishing — she went on to become…
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I’m sure you have a bright idea hidden somewhere in the back of your mind that you just can’t wait to test out. Of course you’re not the only one with the bright idea. So what motivates you to churn those creative, or even inspiring juices to its utmost flavor? It’s always best to…
(Image: Joseph Pearson)
What is empathy? It is the ability to understand and share the feelings of another person. The ability to put yourself in other’s shoes, and try to relate and understand where they are coming from, even if the situation is not familiar to you.
Recently I was sharing a personal problem with a good friend from London. Not only did he respond right away, which I didn’t expect because it was late at night his time, but he gave very thoughtful remarks. There were several things he did/said that made me feel better:
I later realized that he had woken up in the middle of the night, but had chosen to respond and engage in an hour-long conversation with me, rather than return to sleep. I later texted him, “Thanks X. I really appreciate having you as a friend. 🙂 “
It goes without saying that empathy is important. I have shared personal problems with friends before but got replies that made me feel worse and regret sharing my problem. I have also made casual remarks that good friends picked up, which later turned into heartfelt conversations, because it created the opening for me to share.
When you have empathy for others, you help them feel better about themselves. You help others relieve their problems. You also strengthen your relationship with the person, because empathy is like a conduit that lets thoughts and emotions flow.
So how can you have empathy? Here are 8 tips to be empathetic to our friends, loved ones, colleagues and family.
On the other hand, when you brush off or dismiss that emotion (e.g. “Relax,” “What’s the big deal?”), or you try to avoid the topic or say something irrelevant, you are not acknowledging — or respecting — their feelings. Think about emotions as the connecting point in a conversation. How you respond to an emotion is central to whether the person continues to share or closes off. When someone expresses an emotion, like “I’m sad,” “I’m angry,” or “I’m frustrated,” acknowledge the emotion. For example: “I’m so sorry that you are feeling this,” “This must be really frustrating,” or “What happened?”
For example, say your friend confides to you that she just broke up with her long-term boyfriend. Asking questions like, “What happened?”, “Are you okay?” or “Why did you guys break up?” can help her open up. It also tells her that you want to hear more. On the other hand, giving nondescript remarks like, “I see, hope you can move on,” or “Breaking up is normal,” or “Rest well and take a break” are not only unhelpful, but shuts them from opening up further.
This is where mirroring comes in. Mirroring means to imitate someone’s nonverbal signals — gesture, speech pattern, or attitude — to build rapport. In my opinion, NLP practitioners have made a bad rep out of mirroring. They teach people to replicate a person’s mannerisms from head to toe. But this misses the point — mirroring is about connecting authentically with others. The goal is not to “copy” someone’s mannerisms blindly, but to use it to build rapport.
For example, if your friend shares a personal fact, reciprocate by sharing a personal fact of your own (if relevant). If they make eye contact, reciprocate by giving eye contact. If they look away, look away and give them some private space. Don’t copy every aspect of their body language without thought. Instead, adjust your behavior to match their’s in tone and vibe.
For example: Someone tells you he just got retrenched. You reply, “I see. Hope you can get a job soon.” What’s wrong with this? Firstly, the person just got retrenched, so he’s likely feeling hurt and depressed. The more empathetic thing to do is to understand how he is feeling first. Secondly, the person may be retrenched because the job market is bad. Saying “Hope you can get a job soon” can feel like you’re rubbing salt into a wound, because it reminds them of the uncertainty ahead.
What will help is to (a) connect the person based on their current emotional state, and (b) move them forward with forwarding questions. In the retrenchment example, a good way to approach the conversation will be asking the following questions, in this order: “I’m so sorry to hear that. What happened?” → “How are you feeling now?” → “What are your plans?” → (and if he wants to look for a job soon) → “What kind of jobs are you looking for?” Insert other questions in between, depending on the exchange.
Another example: Someone just ended a long-term relationship. Saying “Cheer up and be happy” right away is insensitive as it downplays the person’s pain. Instead, ask questions like “How are you feeling?”, “Are you okay?”, “What happened?”, or “Do you want to talk?” to move them out of their pain. While you may have good intentions in telling the person to be happy, it doesn’t help as you are not recognizing their pain. Put yourself in the person’s shoes and imagine how they feel (tip #1). Pace and match the person’s emotional state, rather than trying to rush the conversation to a specific end point.
How can you apply the above to your relationships today? 🙂
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Question:
How can I get happy if I can’t trust my Inner Guidance?
I’m like a hostage needing to fall in love with it’s captor if I’m going to survive, while all the while praying to be rescued. I’m overboard emotionally and physically: depression; tiredness; exacerbated hypothyroidism from chronically getting “What I don’t want” and only recently learning the “why” of that.
I’m waking up from a life lived backwards. Clairvoyant, clairaudient, I’ve blindly followed the advice of my Inner Guidance for as long as I can remember. And the past 3 years, I’ve come to realize – wake up to – the fact that my Inner Guidance’s advising hasn’t been so loving. In fact, the “unhappy” I have in my life is because of having followed the advice of my Inner Guidance.
A few weeks ago, when I metaphorically inherited Unhappy and Bitter’s house, I realized I HATE my Inner Guidance. I realize we’re not playing on the same team and that I’ve been foolish to trust it, believe it. And it confirmed that that is so. It went on to say it doesn’t respect me … that it would have been braver for me to have died in childhood than have survived through becoming a people pleaser. Harsh!
Is Spirit this harsh to all clairvoyant/clairaudient’s wishing conscious contact? Do you know why I have such a mean, unloving Inner Guidance?
At the end of my rope (almost too literally) I want peace. I pray for peace. What I get is Inner Guidance’s acknowledgement of my making the wrong mental choices, or complex emotions to untangle myself from, or lies or false futuristic prophecies to ignore the fear of.
My people pleaser-ness in desperation, has tried to make peace with Inner Guidance, but honestly, what kind of peace can be had where there’s no trust? So accepting I no longer trust my Inner Guidance has been a hard acceptance to come to. And of course, Inner Guidance, hearing my everything, just dishes up more fear for me to find myself clear of. I dig myself out of Unhappy and Bitter, and IG drudges more. And it’s happening more and more. I feel emotionally controlled, dumped on, by Inner Guidance. The weeping, grief, and crying jags go on for days, and take me back to childhood and my shock and unfathomability at what appears to be my intrinsic inappropriateness.
I don’t know how much longer I can endure this kind of “spiritual” treatment. My grip on reality is waning in my confusion and cluelessness about what is happening to me and why. Inner Guidance says I’m doing the Great Work. Even gave me a bouquet of red and gold tulips in a meditation a few weeks ago. But I can’t tell the truth from the lies any longer.
In a recent meditation. Inner Guidance sent me a dolphin. I pet the heart-sick dolphin which spoke in an old old language I didn’t understand. And when I said I don’t understand you it said in PERFECT English, “Don’t worry. Be Happy.”
Abraham-Hicks say it takes a happy road to make a happy end. I want more than words can say to take this loosing hand of a life (having inherited Unhappy and Bitter’s house) and make it win. I see now how the deck has been so stacked against me from the very beginning by Spirit having used my Inner Guidance to create mayhem in my life against my trying to be “good.”
Each day, I get up determined to “BE happy” but succumb to the futility of that when I feel Inner Guidance laughing at me. I try to hold onto appreciating the present moment like your book THE WAY OF THE WIZARD says. As it turns out, the present moment is the only place I feel safe these days. But it takes a force of Will for me to stay there. Given I’m so tired, I’m hit and miss. And there’s Inner Guidance’s quick acknowledgement that I’m creating “MORE of what I don’ want.”
God is love. I’m love and I do the best to be the love that I am. If I could do better I would. As I live at the edge of the world in the Japanese countryside, in isolation and rejection, fearing what my Inner Guidance is going to do next to me, has become more than I can bear. I pray for help.
I probably haven’t learned the lesson that my Inner Guidance thought it was teaching. I’ve learned that although I don’t have the GREAT power and ALL KNOWINGNESS It does, in the least, I’m kind and allow others to be as they are, even when it’s to my detriment.
Know that I know you’re a very busy man and that I’m grateful and appreciative of whatever feedback/encouragement/advice you have to offer.
By Deepak Chopra, MD
It seems perverse that the easier life becomes, the worse our problems. Technology has created life-changing innovations like the Internet that are directly linked with terrorist attacks, giving like-minded fanatics instant global communication. Computers gave rise to social media, which has led to cruel bullying at school, fake news, conspiracy plots, and the anonymity to mount vicious personal attacks—all of these seem as endemic as hacking, another insoluble problem created by technology.
One could go on practically forever, and it wouldn’t be necessary to blame current technology either—the internal combustion engine is directly connected to climate change, and nuclear fission led to the horrors of atomic warfare. But my point isn’t to bash technology; we owe every advance in the modern world to it—except one.
Technology is based on higher education, and whatever its benefits, higher education has almost totally lost interest in wisdom. Wisdom isn’t the same as knowledge. You can collect facts that lead to the understanding of things, but wisdom is different. I’d define it as a shift in allegiance, away from objective knowledge toward self-awareness.
The Greek dictum “Know thyself” doesn’t make sense if the self you mean is the ego-personality, with its selfish demands, unending desires, and lack of happiness. Another self is meant, which isn’t a person’s ego but a state of consciousness. “Self” might not even be a helpful term, despite the age-old references to a higher self identified with enlightenment. It is more helpful to say that the pursuit of wisdom is about waking up.
Waking up is a metaphor for the conscious life, and the conscious life is what wisdom leads to. Every day we are driven by unconscious impulses and desires, and unexamined processes go on beneath the surface of the mind that lead to anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, self-destructive behavior, and every kind of pointless discord, from household tensions to war. The outbreak of World War I led to senseless slaughter, as did the excesses of Communism. These consequences were unforeseen, yet in retrospect it is obvious that World War I was a kind of eruption from the unconscious, of pride, anger, stubborn nationalism, and xenophobic tendencies that people were harboring as a matter of course.
European anti-Semitism wasn’t invented in Germany by a single fanatical Nazi; it was accepted in the most polite and civilized circles almost everywhere. In one way or another, allowing our unconscious to go unexamined has caused the greatest and longest suffering in human history. It was suffering and finding a way to end it that became the foundation of Buddhism, but any spiritual teaching that will show people how to wake up also aims to bring them out of suffering.
In that sense, wisdom has a definite purpose, but escaping the ills and woes of the unconscious life is secondary to the main purpose of waking up, which is to know who we really are. The answer can be formulated in a few words: humans are a species of consciousness whose special trait is self-awareness. Being self-aware, we have the capacity to access the very source of awareness.
At first sight this ability doesn’t necessarily sound positive. The vast majority of people have become expert at denial and were taught from childhood not to dwell on themselves, an activity deemed self-centered if not totally solipsistic. People are also expert at keeping secrets from themselves, at going along to get along, at valuing social conformity and fitting in. These habits unravel when self-awareness awakens. Not everyone wants to let them go, for obvious reasons.
But the worst aspect of being unconscious, or asleep to use the metaphor of waking up, is self-limitation. We all go around with core beliefs about how insignificant a single individual is, how risky it would be to step out of the norm, and how only the gifted few rise above the average. The wise in every generation have asserted the opposite, that the source of consciousness makes human potential infinite. We can think an infinite number of new thoughts and say things never before said. In fact, there is no arbitrary limit on any trait that makes us human: intelligence, creativity, insight, love, discovery, curiosity, invention, and spiritual experiences of every kind.
We are a species of consciousness whose great pitfall isn’t evil but “mind-forg’d manacles,” to borrow a phrase from the poet William Blake. We make up mental constructs, invent stories around them, and tell the next generation that these stories are true. One story says that women are inferior, a complex tale that gave rise to a thousand injustices and false beliefs. Us-versus-them thinking leads to stories about racism and nationalism that caused their own barbarous results.
Waking up allows us to escape all stories and to live free of self-limiting mental constructs. The real question is whether it can be done. Can you and I wake up? If so, how do we go about it? Are there awakened teachers who can provide examples of what it means to live the conscious life? This is exactly where wisdom enters the picture. Without living examples of awakened individuals, the whole enterprise would be trapped in a limbo of fantasy and wishful thinking. But when a society values wisdom, it turns out that the awakened exist among us and always have.
Anyone who wants to wake up is fortunate to be alive now, because despite our global problems, irrational behavior, and self-destructive denial, modern society is open to ready communication about every topic, including the exploration of higher consciousness. Where prior generations had little grasp of higher consciousness beyond the precepts of religion, millions of people today can walk their own path to self-awareness, choosing to include God, the soul, organized religion, and scriptures as they see fit, or to avoid them. Even “spirituality” is a term you can adopt or ignore—the real purpose of waking up is about consciousness.
We have always had the potential to be wise by using self-awareness to explore who we really are. A society driven by consumerism, celebrity worship, video games and social media gossip, and indifference to massive social problems feels like it could never find wisdom, or even the first impulse to wake up. But I’d argue that we are the most fortunate society to wake up in, simply because higher consciousness is open to anyone. I count this as the greatest opportunity facing us, to see that waking up is possible and to hasten toward it as quickly as we can.
Deepak Chopra MD, FACP, founder of The Chopra Foundation and co-founder of The Chopra Center for Wellbeing, is a world-renowned pioneer in integrative medicine and personal transformation, and is Board Certified in Internal Medicine, Endocrinology and Metabolism. He is a Fellow of the American College of Physicians and a member of the American Association of Clinical Endocrinologists. Chopra is the author of more than 85 books translated into over 43 languages, including numerous New York Times bestsellers. His latest books are The Healing Self co-authored with Rudy Tanzi, Ph.D. and Quantum Healing (Revised and Updated): Exploring the Frontiers of Mind/Body Medicine. Chopra hosts a new podcast Infinite Potential available on iTunes or Spotify www.deepakchopra.com
Are you an optimist or a pessimist? Optimism may protect you from depression. But pessimism could be roughly equivalent to smoking more than 2 packs of cigarettes a day. Known as The Father of Positive Psychology, Professor Martin Seligman continues his talk to an Australian audience about how to promote human flourishing, and positive education.
By Deepak Chopra, MD
For centuries a quality has existed that is referred to as wisdom. A phrase like “wiser heads prevailed” implies that wisdom can save us from stupid or foolish actions. Elders were once considered wise, and so were philosophers. But once you bring up these references, wisdom feels antiquated and irrelevant. Who are the wiser heads in our day? Aside from a revered figure like the Dalai Lama, it’s hard to name one, and he is really a spiritual figurehead more than the classic wise man.
Whatever wisdom might be, the average person doesn’t think about it very much, if at all, and when you consider the problems that feel the most disturbing—climate change, terrorism, racism, poverty, and international tensions, for example—nobody is clamoring to call on wisdom to solve them.
But maybe only wisdom can. Let me explain what I mean.
Every problem, not just the big global ones but problems in everyday life, get solved by using a mental model. This model explains what has gone wrong, which is the first step in making things right again. Consider a common problem like feeling depressed. In our time we apply a medical model and send the depressed person to get help from a doctor, who will prescribe an antidepressant, or to a psychologist, who will apply some kind of therapy.
In the past, other models would have offered a very different explanation of why someone is depressed. Instead of calling depression a mental disorder or a psychological malady, which leads to trying to understand the person’s brain, depression would have been considered a lack of personal discipline or a moral failing. A depressed person in another model would be considered possessed by evil spirits or punished by God for some hidden sin. It’s strange to think that depression might be treated using everything from bleeding to exorcism, but such is the power of mental models.
Models fool people into believing that they are true. In modern society, the general belief that depression is an illness like catching a cold or contracting cancer feels so certain that few would disagree. But in fact, the disease model is not always workable in depression. The action of popular antidepressants on the brain isn’t certain and may be totally misunderstood. You cannot reliably predict who will get depressed, and quite often depression comes and goes on its own for no reason anyone can explain.
If your model doesn’t predict things correctly, leads to haphazard solutions, and depends on unproven assumptions (in this case, the assumption that depression is a brain problem), it’s not a model that matches reality. In modern life, we rely on a model of reality that has three components or levels.
The first level is data, which we collect and assemble into facts. Facts are supposed to match reality, but thanks to the human gift of rationality we now have so-called “alternative” facts, that are really just stubborn opinions that refuse to be rational.
The second level is information. Information consists of the conclusion that the data reveals. If your blood test comes back with an abnormal blood sugar reading (fact), your doctor might inform you that you are diabetic (conclusion). But in many cases of other disorders doctors and other experts frequently disagree. The same information can often lead to opposite conclusions.
The third level is knowledge, which consists of understanding. You are a knowledgeable doctor if you went to medical school and acquired the knowledge of diseases and how to treat them. Knowledge is the summit of the scientific or rational model. Data gives us the facts; facts assemble into correct information; information, when absorbed as knowledge, allows any problem to be solved, any question to be answered.
And yet knowledge also breaks down; in fact, it breaks down all the time. A good example is diets. There is enough information out there about the failure of diets to show that they don’t work, but the fact that only around 2% of dieters can lose five pounds and keep it off for five years doesn’t inhibit the massive lucrative diet industry. We know all kinds of things where our understanding is futile: carbon emissions warm the planet, women are equal to men, wars have no upside. Gender inequality, global warming, and violent conflicts run amok, not for lack of understanding—after all, the data, facts, information, and knowledge about these problems are irrefutable—but because the current model has failed.
What do people do when their cherished model of reality breaks down? They cling to it even harder and continue to do the same old things that have never worked. Science, the ultimate icon of the rational model, clings to the totally unproven notion that the brain creates the mind, for example, and if you say that this model has lots of problems, a brain scientist will ignore your objections. He clings to his model because it seems good enough, despite its inconsistencies, and his job depends upon it.
Enter wisdom. Wisdom has grown scarce for the simple reason that it follows no model. Socrates made the point, and it got him into a great deal of trouble, that wisdom cannot be taught. You can teach data collection, the amassing of facts, and many branches of knowledge, but wisdom stands apart. True wisdom leads to such things as insight, intuition, depth of experience, self-awareness, and humility before mysteries that will never be fully comprehended.
Because wisdom contradicts the certainty that models try to give us, it has had a hard time in society, as the death of Socrates shows. Society defends its favored and cherished models (which can be mythical, religious, animistic, scientific, and so on) with ferocity; certainty is not to be flouted. Wisdom calls for a totally different way of looking at reality. I will argue in the next post for taking the road back to wisdom. It is the only way to fulfill the infinite potential that human beings possess, and on a global scale, it is the only way we will reach desperately needed solutions.
(To be cont.)
Deepak Chopra MD, FACP, founder of The Chopra Foundation and co-founder of The Chopra Center for Wellbeing, is a world-renowned pioneer in integrative medicine and personal transformation, and is Board Certified in Internal Medicine, Endocrinology and Metabolism. He is a Fellow of the American College of Physicians and a member of the American Association of Clinical Endocrinologists. Chopra is the author of more than 85 books translated into over 43 languages, including numerous New York Times bestsellers. His latest books are The Healing Self co-authored with Rudy Tanzi, Ph.D. and Quantum Healing (Revised and Updated): Exploring the Frontiers of Mind/Body Medicine. Choprahost a new podcast Infinite Potential available on iTunes or Spotify www.deepakchopra.com
