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“I find it a challenge to say no to people and often, I end up with too many commitments than I’m comfortable with. However, if I say no, I worry about them being unhappy or offended. Why do I feel this way? How can I learn to say no and not end up feeling bad about it or not offending the other person?” – Ruth
Do you hate saying no? Are you always saying yes to others at the expense of yourself?
I’ll admit it — I used to find it very hard to say no. Whenever someone approached me for something, be it to pick my brain or assist them on a personal project, I would say yes. Part of it was because I didn’t want to leave others in the lurch. Part of it was because I didn’t want to disappoint people. Another part was because I was afraid that the other person would be unhappy if I said no.
Over time though, I realized that saying yes came with its consequences. Because I kept saying yes to everyone, I would have little time for the things on my agenda. My days would be filled with things that others wanted from me, with little to no time for things of my own. I would regularly sacrifice my sleep just so that I could be there for everyone.
It wasn’t long before I became weighed down by the constant pressure to be there for everyone. I was utterly miserable, burnt out, and unhappy. My time was no longer my own — it was taken over by what others wanted from me.
In an ideal world, we want to say yes to everyone, sure. But as you can see from my case, saying “yes” to everyone isn’t the way to go. You need to say no in order to
Yet for many of us, we find it tough to say no. This can be due to reasons such as…
Yet these are not real reasons to say no. Why do I say that?
Ultimately, it’s your right to say no. Every “yes” comes with its costs — the commitment, the time, and the effort to honor the request. While the cost may be small for each “yes,” little trickles of yes’es over a long time will eventually deviate you from your long-term goal.
When it comes to saying no, you want to achieve two aims: you want to say no effectively, and you want to say no tactfully. Here are my 7 tips to say no.
It’s easier to say “no” right away rather than put it off (assuming that you already know that you want to say no). The longer you stall, the more complicated it becomes, because now you have the added pressure of explaining why you took so long to reply. Just be direct and get to the point.
As a general rule, when I find it hard to reject someone, I have a two-sentence rule to get it over and done with. Start off with a “Sorry, I can’t.” Then, give your reason in one sentence. (Or if you don’t want to give a reason, just end it there.) Limiting your rejection to two sentences makes the rejection easier, because rather than give some lengthy explanation about why you can’t do something, which makes you procrastinate saying no, you cut right to the chase. Even if you end up replying in 3-4 sentences or more, the 2-sentence rule helps you get started.
E.g.
Often times we are afraid that if we say “no,” we’ll burn bridges. So we hum and haw and pretend to be okay and say yes. Or we relent and say yes after the person persists.
Here’s the thing — most people will accept your no when you are sincere in your rejection. No games, no gimmicks. Just plain raw honesty, for example, “I’m not free to meet for this period as I’m busy with [X]”, or “This isn’t what I’m looking for, sorry about that.” The people who care enough will understand, while those who take offense probably have unhealthy expectations to begin with.
Note that this tip only works for people who respect your personal space. If you’re dealing with persistent folks who don’t respect your space, then it’s better to just say no without giving too much information.
One of the reasons I struggled with saying no in the past was that I didn’t want to reject the person. My mom wasn’t there for me when I was a child (in that she was emotionally vacant as a person), and that made me want to be there for others. However, as I shared above, saying yes to everyone caused me to burn out. I was downright miserable.
In learning to say no, I learned to focus on the request and not the person. This means that instead of feeling obligated to say yes because I was afraid to let the person down, I learned to look at the request and assess if it is a fit with my plans. Is this something I can realistically do? Is this something I can afford to do right now? In light of all the things on my to-do list, can I do this without compromising on my other to-dos?
If the answer is a “no,” then I’ll reject it. It’s not about the person. It’s nothing personal. It’s simply about the request itself, and the request simply isn’t something I can fulfill at the moment. When you review requests as they are, you objectively reject requests that are not compatible with you, vs. feeling bad for saying no when it’s simply a necessary step in your communication with the person.
We’ve been taught to associate no with negativity, and that saying no will lead to conflict. But it is possible to say “no” and maintain a harmonious relationship. It’s about how you do it.
To start off, stop associating “no” with negativity. Realize that it’s part and parcel of human communication. When you see “no” as a bad thing (when it isn’t), this negative energy will inadvertently be expressed in your response (when it doesn’t have to be). There’s no need to feel bad, feel guilty, or worry about the other person’s feelings (excessively). This doesn’t mean that you should be tactless in your reply, but that you should not obsess over how others will feel.
Next, when saying “no,” explain your position calmly. Let the person know that you appreciate his/her invite/request but you can’t take it on due to [X]. Perhaps you have conflicting priorities, or you have something on, or you simply have no time. You would love to help or get involved if possible, but it’s not something you can afford to do now.
Even though you are rejecting the person’s request, keep the options open for the future. Let the person know that you can always reconnect down the road to meet, collaborate, discuss possibilities, etc.
This is optional, but if you know of an alternative, share it. For example, if you know of someone who can help him/her, then share the contact (with the person’s permission of course). This should only be done if you happen to know an alternative, not to compensate for not saying yes.
Part of the reason I resisted saying no in the past was that I didn’t want to make others feel bad. I felt like I was responsible for how others would feel, and I didn’t want others to be unhappy.
The result was that I would bend over backward just to make others happy. I spent countless late nights catching up on work as I put others’ needs before myself and only had time for my own stuff at night. This was terrible for my health and well-being.
At some point, we need to draw a line between helping others and helping ourselves. To be of service to others, we need to prioritize our own health and happiness. Don’t make yourself responsible for others’ feelings, especially if they are going to respond negatively to your “no’s.” If the person accepts your “no,” great; if not, then that’s too bad. Do what you can, and then move on if it’s beyond what you can offer… which leads me to point #7.
If the person is disrespectful of your needs and expects that you should always say yes, then you might want to re-evaluate this relationship.
Too often we are taught to maintain harmony at all costs, which is why we dislike saying no — we don’t want to create conflict. But when a relationship is draining you; when the other party takes you for granted and the dynamics of the relationship is skewed in the person’s favor, then you have to ask yourself if this connection is what you want. A healthy relationship is one where both parties support each other. It’s not one where one party is constantly giving and giving, while the other person keeps asking and taking.
When I evaluate the relationships that drain me, I realize that they are the relationships where I’m not my real self, where I’m expected to say yes and the other party gets unhappy if I say no. For such relationships, the other person is unhappy as long as there’s a “no” — it doesn’t matter how the “no” is said as the person simply expects a “yes.”
If you’re dealing with such a person, then the question to you is, is this relationship worth keeping? If no, then it’s simple — simply let go of it. If this is an important relationship to you, then let the person know about this issue. It’s possible that they are not aware of what they are doing and an open, honest conversation will open their eyes to it.
So instead of worrying about saying no all the time with this person, which isn’t the real problem, you address the root of the issue — that you’re in a connection where you’re expected to be a giver. Perhaps in the process of doing this, you strengthen your relationship together. Because now you can be openly honest with him/her and say yes or no as you desire, without feeling any guilt, fear, or hesitation — which is what saying no should be about.
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The post How to Say No: The Definitive Guide appeared first on Personal Excellence.
You’re reading Mind De-Clutter: 7 Things to Stop Telling Yourself, originally posted on Pick the Brain | Motivation and Self Improvement. If you’re enjoying this, please visit our site for more inspirational articles.
“I don’t like myself. I’m crazy about myself,” said Mae West.
People tend to be too harsh on themselves, thus subconsciously fostering a negative self-image.
Many of us have that little, nagging voice in our head saying “You’re not good enough!” or “You’re never going to make it.”
These seemingly harmless insecurities slowly erode our self-esteem and confidence which can have a serious impact on the way we perceive things and cope with life’s challenges.
If you want to be happier and live a more satisfied life, cut yourself some slack.
Start being kinder to yourself.
And stop telling yourself these 7 things.
OK, there are times when the things you do turn out to not exactly be a good idea.
An inappropriate remark you made about a colleague?
Spending your last cent on those expensive, fancy shoes?
Making a really dumb business move?
Been there, done that.
You can legitimately ask yourself after any of those incidents “What the heck was I thinking?”
It’s true that certain things you do qualify as stupid, but that doesn’t mean that you are too.
And this tiny difference puts things into perspective and helps you avoid the trap of internalizing the situations in which you act daft.
In other words, you need to understand that acting stupid and being stupid are two completely different things.
This doesn’t absolve you of the blame and responsibility for your actions and give you a free pass to do whatever you please not thinking about the consequences however.
So, whenever you’re compelled to exclaim that you’re stupid for doing this or that, mind your language and say “I did something stupid.”
This is one of the worst things you can tell yourself.
Social media, TV and print commercials and the fashion industry are constantly raising the bar and setting unrealistic expectations when it comes to beauty standards, and it’s hard not to compare yourself to all those impossibly and yet effortlessly slender and attractive models and celebrities.
Many people are increasingly sensitive to their physical appearance, and at the same time, they’re too judgmental when it comes to their perceived imperfections.
It’s OK to strive to become the best version of yourself, but negative self-talk won’t get you very far.
Obsessing about your weight, nose, or teeth is something that can have some serious consequences on your self-esteem, so instead of standing in front of the mirror analyzing your “flabby stomach”, “big nose”, or “yellow, crooked teeth”, focus on what you like about your looks.
The trick is to take care of your body, train, eat clean, and try to improve what you can, but avoid negative qualifications.
Also, change your point of view and recognize every positive change that you notice as that will motivate you to persist.
The thing is that you’re more capable than you realize.
You are most probably just too insecure and afraid of failure. And it’s this crippling fear that paralyzes you mentally and prevents you from trying.
As this belief is deeply rooted in your mind, you need to become aware of it and try to summon all your willpower in order to change it.
One way out of this blind alley is embracing failure. Once you realize that the world won’t end if you try and not succeed, a huge burden will fall off your chest, and it will be much easier to apply for that job you used to think was out of your league or ask for a raise.
Another useful thing to do is change your narrative – tell yourself “I can do it!”
At first, you’ll have to fake that sense of self-confidence, but with every seemingly impossible thing you achieve (or even fail to achieve), you’ll be able to dispel that dark cloud of fear, doubt, and insecurity.
Life isn’t always fair.
And this applies to everybody, not just you, even though Instagram might claim otherwise.
When you look at snaps of all those shining, happy people who don’t seem to have a single care in the world and who spend their days having fun with their equally cool friends, traveling around the globe and dining at Michelin-Star restaurants, you feel as if you’re the biggest loser ever.
Yes, the grass is always greener on the other side, and even psychology recognizes the detrimental effect social media has on our lives. Recent studies have shown that there’s a link between using social media and depression, as well as other mental health issues.
Again, focusing on the good things in your life and coming to terms that not everything can be as we’ve planned can help you break that vicious circle of despair and dissatisfaction.
It’s also a good idea to cut down on your social media time and do something that will make you feel better, such as taking a walk or going for a drink with your friends.
Whenever you feel compelled to say this to yourself, remember that it can’t be further from the truth, because there’s always you.
And you love yourself, right?
This is something that most of us say when we’re consumed by self-pity and when we’re feeling down.
But the problem is that if you keep on telling yourself that you’re not worthy of love, you subconsciously start behaving in a manner that prevents you from meeting that someone special.
You stop going out and attending parties, not to mention that you refuse your friends’ attempts to introduce you to new people.
On top of it all, the feeling that you’re in a dark place affects your demeanor which means that you’ll be off Mr/Mrs Right’s radar.
We’re all sick and tired of everything, and that’s OK.
But if you keep on repeating these three words to yourself, they will be stuck in your head, and you’ll start believing that it’s the only option you’ve got.
Life is full of hurdles, but it’s what makes it exciting and dynamic.
Whenever you’re on the verge of waving the white flag, take a break and try to remember the times when you felt the same and when you faced a seemingly insurmountable problem.
Ask yourself how things panned out back then and you’ll realize that you managed to overcome numerous roadblocks over the course of your life.
And this one is no different, but overthinking gets the better of you.
What you should do is get some rest and take your mind off the problem for a while.
Or as Adrian Mole succinctly puts it “Just my luck!”
By blaming that invisible, supernatural entity whose main task is to make your life miserable for everything bad that happens in your life, you actually give up control over your destiny and let yourself go with the flow.
Again, that fear of being responsible for a potential failure rears its ugly head and turns you into a passive observer of your own life.
But, what you need to understand is that you’re an agent of change and that you don’t have to take a backseat.
Things you say to yourself cut deeper than other people’s words, and you need to change your tune for the sake of your well-being. Remember, if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.
Rebecca is a freelance translator passionate about her work, and grateful for the travels it has taken her on. She has recently started writing about some of her experiences at RoughDraft.
You’ve read Mind De-Clutter: 7 Things to Stop Telling Yourself, originally posted on Pick the Brain | Motivation and Self Improvement. If you’ve enjoyed this, please visit our site for more inspirational articles.
Question:
I am 31 years old. Married. My father has been an extremely successful person in his life, professionally and personally. I have a younger brother who to is heading in my father footsteps in his life and career which makes us all very happy and proud. My wife is an extremely talented, intelligent and hardworking woman who has her dreams and aims and which she is extremely capable of achieving. Among all this happy scenario, I am stuck in a life which seems to be going nowhere. Career wise I am going nowhere in spite of putting in my best efforts and success seems to be indifferent to me. I cant leave this job for certain reasons which are beyond my control for at least another 10 years. And by then I think it will all be too late for anything. What seems to be easy and ordinary for other people just doesn’t happen to me. all along in my conscious memory my life has been a string of failed attempts, so near yet never there episodes. I have repeatedly tried to put my failures aside
and work harder but still it has been for nothing. I am a believer but of late have started feeling that even God has turned a blind eye to my situation. I really feel desperate for some miracle to pull me out of this gloom but I don’t know whether that will ever happen. I feel my life is just running out without any purpose. I have tried taking solace in good books to find my answers but to no avail. I hate to be in this kind of melancholy but don’t know what to do. I feel that I am wasting my wife’s life too because of my situation. I am not sure if anyone will have any answers. What do you think? Is there hope?
Empathy is the power of understanding other people, which in turn allows societies to co-operate and function. But a leading British media executive is concerned that it’s lacking in today’s society, and that the arts and popular culture can bridge the gap.
Question:
For the moment I´m totally lost and confused and it causes me daily feelings of stress, anxiety, headache and stomach pain.
I am in a situation regarding job and place of living that I have to change and now an opportunity for that might have come. But the problem is that I don´t know if the timing is right or not, I have
longed for this opportunity to come, but now I am extremely scared. The problem I have is that I don´t know if I have these tough feelings because the timing is not right (if I have to prepare more, or if that is
not the right place to live),if I am just scared of change and uncertainty regarding money (I have to give up a good salary for not knowing if I will have any money), or if I´m afraid to know what I really feel since my opinion might be in conflict with others.
Stress, feelings and thoughts are whirling around so much in my body that I can´t even feel or think clearly. I have a healthy, regular lifestyle and also meditate twice a day. Right now I feel this is what makes me keep my head above the water line, otherwise I think I would freak out. But even if my meditation practice works well and I find peace, I don´t find the answers of what is right to do and how to handle my feelings and fears, and how to sort out what is what, what is fear and what is my honest will. Do you have any suggestions on how to do that, how to go on?
I would appreciate any answer a lot.
“Follow your bliss” is good advice. “Find your passion” is not. Where Campbell’s line came from, what the research says about passion, and five ways to build yours.
