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When researching my recent post build self confidence, I came across other articles and blogs on this theme. But as I discussed in my post, some of the tips and steps suggested elsewhere are somewhat dubious.

With a title 7 Smart Ways to Build Self Confidence, I thought Mohamed Tohami in Lost-Media.net may buck the trend.  Well, the result is very mixed. Here are his “smart ways”:-

Building self confidence? dadjanda (Flickr.com)

1 Travel

2. Walk on Fire

3. Express yourself

4. Join a Toastmasters Chapter

5. Learn one new skill every year (at least)

6. Break a Record!

7. Study Self Confidence.

I think the last item is somewhat ironic as by studying self confidence you will have to wade through a swamp of contradictory advice! You’ll most likely end up confused rather than more confident.

Skills to Build Self Confidence

As ever, amongst the bizarre ideas – fire walking, camping in the desert! – comes an odd gem. Building skills is often overlooked. However, as a foundation for great self confidence there is nothing better.

We tend to forget we have many skills. As a child we learn to walk and talk. We start to dress ourselves and communicate more meaningfully. Once we start school it becomes an uphill slog – as soon as we learn to write we have to start sitting tests and exams. I have three daughters in their early twenties who seem to have been doing nothing but exams for as long as I can remember!

But we learn skills. Unfortunately we seldom give ourselves credit for what we can do. As part of my reflection in my daily journal, I reinforce to myself how skilled and how wonderful I am. No one but me reads this, so I can (and should) be as boastful as I like. With low self esteem and/or self confidence there is a tendency to downplay our achievements – so make them shine here.

Learn New Skills

I think Mohamed has an excellent point with his “point 5”, learning a new skill. he says:-

Increase your skill set regularly. Every year you should at least have acquired a new skill. With a powerful skill-set under your belt, you will be confident in your ability to get things done. You’ll have more experience and you’ll gain more confidence in your ability to deal with different life situations.

For the past three months I have been learning mindfulness – which is in itself a skill which can help self confidence. If you are interested I can strongly recommend the site I have been using to learn from Get Some Headspace.  You can try it out for ten sessions for free. I will write more about mindfulness in a later post.

“I wasn’t just going to read self-help. I was going to DO self-help.” Help Me! By Marianne Power Discovery I think someone told me about this book, perhaps Susannah, and it sounded really fun so I bought it. Subject Marianne, […]

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Social success has a lot to do with attaining and maintaining a position of power within a group, from which you can exert a large amount of influence. But not all power is created equal. When talking about this topic, I find it useful to make on crucial distinction: the one between formal and informal power.

Formal and Informal Power: Definitions

Formal power comes from the official position one holds within an organization or social structure. It is properly recognized by some type of written contract or official agreement, and regulated by a strict set of rules that everyone in the organization or social structure knows and must obey.

Formal forms of power exist in politics, business, religion, but also in social structures like a sports team or a student’s club. The manager of a company has formal power. So does the captain of a football team. This type of power changes as one’s official position within a structure changes, which is why many people compulsively seek to better their position.

Informal power comes, not from an official position, but from the respect and appreciation one has earned from the members of a group. This respect and appreciation allow the individual to influence his or her peers in a way that others within the group cannot.

Informal power comes from a person’s internal qualities. An employee may gain informal power in his department by being known as very competent and skilled in what he does. A person may gain informal power by having integrity and being trustworthy. And another person may gain informal power by being likable and charismatic.

The Power of Informal Power

Making the distinction between the two kinds of power is essential. Because many people simply aren’t aware of the existence or influence of informal power, and they blindly compete with others for the limited amount of positions that provide formal power. They wanna be managers, and leaders, and bosses, and CEOs. However, informal power is not only real, but it can often be much more valuable than formal power.

Here’s an example I’ve seen transpire many times while coaching clients within companies and corporations.

There is a manager of a department of a company, and he has formal power in that department, stipulated by his job description. In the same department, there is also a guy who is a simple employee, but who is known to be very skilled at his job. Everyone goes to him for advice, and he is eager to help. He is friendly and likable, he encourages others, and he knows everyone by name, while the manager doesn’t bother with such ‘details’ and acts more like a dictator than a manager.

In such a situation, the manager has formal power, but this employee has a lot of informal power. So much informal power, in fact, that it may be worth more than the formal power of the manager. For instance, this employee may have such good relationships with his colleagues, that if he leaves to another company, half of them would follow him. And his manager knows this. Such influence is no small thing, and a smart manager would make sure that such an employee is treated well, because otherwise he might do some real damage.

It’s just one type of situation, but informal power can trump formal power in many ways, in all kind of organizations and social structures.

Leveraging the Two Types of Power

So, while formal power is good and not something to ignore, after this analysis I hope it is clear that many times, informal power is even more desirable.

Ideally, you wanna have both forms of power within a structure. Also, achieving informal power first is often a great way to then acquire formal power as well. But even if you can’t acquire formal power due to heavy competition and political games, you may be better off by acquiring informal power anyway.

How do you attain informal power? It takes three key ingredients, to which I’ve already alluded above:

1) Competence. There is no doubt that people respect competence, especially in a field relevant to them. Members of a debate club respect good debaters; members of a sales team respect good salespeople. So getting good at what you do within an organization or social structure is a great way to earn respect, and thus informal power.

2) Character. Great leadership books and courses regularly talk about the value of character. But its role is much more important in acquiring informal power than formal one, because, like competence, in triggers respect, as well as trust. Being honest, having integrity, being fair, having confidence, being resolute, this kind of character traits will get you far within any group.

3) Social Skills. Your social skills play perhaps the most important role. You wanna be able to engage people in interesting conversations, be witty and funny, and make them enjoy your presence. If they like you, they are much more eager to follow your lead. You also wanna be able to speak in a way that persuades, inspires and motivates people, which directly gives you more informal power over them.

Fortunately, you can cultivate these 3 traits and use them to gain informal power incrementally. Each day you can put in some work, and each day you can see your informal influence rise.

For top practical resources to help you develop your character and social skills, first I recommend you check out this video presentation I created, in which I’ll share with you some top-notch techniques for boosting your social confidence and social skills, based on my 8+years of experience as a confidence and communication coach.

Also, join my free social success newsletter, to get regular advice from me on improving your social competence, career and social life. I’m certain you’ll learn a lot from it.

There is a thin line between enjoyment and addiction. When you go a little overboard with enjoyment then it leads to addiction. There is nothing morbid about enjoying something. The classic sign of addiction is denial and is often hard to notice. It is very important to observe the signs of addiction in order to […]

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The last two articles in this series have helped us build a solid appreciation for the value of using questions to change both our focus and our mindset. We also learned exactly what kind of questions are needed to channel our focus in a positive direction. Now it’s time to consider some specific ways that we can make practical application of this empowering skill and put it to use in our lives.

To fully benefit from the power of questions we need a way to integrate what we have learned into our daily routine. Specifically, we need to develop the habit of intentionally using questions to direct our focus and control our mindset in a constructive manner.

Start with your morning mindset

Every morning when you wake up it is a natural part of your thinking process to ask yourself questions about the upcoming day. So, this is a perfect opportunity to influence your mindset in a positive way. Asking the right questions first thing in the morning will help ensure that your focus is pointed in a productive and empowering direction all day long.

So here’s a list of possible questions that you can start asking yourself every morning beginning tomorrow. These questions are specifically designed to have a positive effect on your mindset, especially your levels of joy, commitment and self-esteem.

1) What is there about my life that makes me feel happy right now?
2) What is going on in my life today that I can get excited about?
3) What do I feel truly grateful for right now?
4) What am I really looking forward to today?
5) Who do I love and who loves me?

If you have difficulty answering any of these questions simply insert the word “could” into the question. For example, in question #1 – What is there about my life that could make me feel happy right now?

Take some time to consider these questions as you go about your morning routine. Remember, it’s not the asking of questions that shifts your mindset, it’s the answers. As you come up with your own answers to each question, be sure to take a moment and experience how that answer makes you feel.

Do it every day for at least ten days!

By developing a routine of asking yourself questions like these every morning, you will begin to create a pattern. After a while, not only will the questions come automatically, but so will an increased level of appreciation for the answers. The answers to these questions are an important part of what makes life worth living and creating a positive shift in your focus regarding those answers will also shift your predominant mindset.

Being aware of your blessings first thing in the morning can completely change your entire day. Those questions will follow you throughout the day and you will find yourself looking for more reasons to feel happy, to get excited and to be grateful. This is a perfect example of the power of simple questions to shift your mindset, change your focus, increase your motivation, and make you feel good about your life.

Remember, the whole purpose of this exercise is to shift your mindset by taking conscious control of what you allow your mind to focus on. So another important point to consider is this: These questions are designed to trigger your mind to think in positive directions and to discover encouraging answers. They are not designed for overanalyzing and scrutinizing your every thought and feeling.

So don’t let yourself get too carried away. Know when to quit asking and start answering.

When designing questions always include a positive assumption

When you are designing questions for yourself, make sure that they always include a positive assumption about the answer. For example, all of the questions above assume something. Question #1 assumes that there is something to feel happy about right now just as question #2 assumes there is something to be excited about. These type of assumptions give your mind both direction and motivation.

The mind considers those assumptions to be facts; consequently it will find answers that support those facts. By constructing your own personal questions this way you will empower yourself with the ability to shift your mindset at will and to change almost any aspect of your life.

How do you feel about the power of questions now?
Have you found the information in these articles useful?
Do you think questions can change your mindset?
Share your thoughts on facebook or google+

This is part 3 in a series of 3 articles about Using Questions to Change Your Mindset.
For the rest of the story visit…
Use questions to Change your Mindset – Part 1
Use questions to Change your Mindset – Part 2

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The post Use Questions to Change Your Mindset – Part 3 appeared first on Advanced Life Skills.

I’m forever coming across short articles or blog posts with seemingly useful tips.  But can such brief tidbits of information really do any good. For instance, with this article will any of the tips really “boost” you self esteem?

7 Practical Tips For Boosting Your Self-Esteem

by Ricky P O’ Shea

Having healthy self-esteem is the building blocks for happy, vibrant living. It means you have confidence in yourself and your abilities whereas as having low self-esteem can mean you lack confidence in yourself and never reach your true potential.

The good news is that if your self-esteem could do with a boost then there are small changes that can make a big difference. It all starts with reprogramming your beliefs and weeding out the negative inner-dialogue. To help you get started, consider the following tips for boosting your self-esteem.

Selective ignorance

The feedback and solicitations from others can greatly impact your own state of being. Choose to source your information wisely, limiting negative media in place of more positive media such as seminars or educational activities. Surround yourself with others who are positive and bring out the best in you and avoid allowing the negativity of others to affect your own judgement.

Comfort Zone

If we don’t push ourselves outside of our comfort zones then we have nothing to build on. You’d be surprised what you can achieve if you put your mind to it so take the plunge once in a while and take on new challenges. In doing so you’ll naturally grow in confidence and give your self-esteem a much-needed boost.

Negative Inner-Dialogue

Our inner-dialogue greatly influences our reality! If your inner-dialogue and thought patterns are generally negative then your self-esteem is bound to be lower. Weed out any negative thought patterns such as “I can’t” or “I’m not good enough” and replace them with positive ones instead.

Positive Affirmations

Affirmations are extremely effective for overcoming limiting beliefs. By repeatedly stating something to yourself you can slowly empower yourself with positive thoughts and beliefs. You can find many resources for affirmations online but the real key is to make them present tense, positive and stating an outcome you desire.

Stop Comparing

Media and society in general has a knack at making us feel we need to fit in. However, this simply isn’t true! We are each unique and each have our own set of strengths and weaknesses. Avoid feeling inadequate by comparing your weaknesses against others and focus instead on developing your strengths.

Accept Compliments

It’s easy to assume someone is lying or has ulterior motives when you’re passed a compliment but more often than not it’s genuine. Learn to accept compliments gracefully in order to strengthen your confidence. It will also help you to discover what you’re good at so you can further develop your strengths.

Reward Yourself

We often neglect to acknowledge our achievements and pass them off as something not worth gloating about. But, your achievements, no matter how trivial they seem, should be rewarded. It’s important to remind yourself that you’re a valued person and that you deserve to be rewarded and acknowledged for your achievements.

Wrapping It Up

In this article we’ve covered a few simple but effective ways to boost your self-esteem. Most important of all is reprogramming your beliefs and inner-dialogue. If you weed out the self-limiting thought patterns and replace with positive statements your self-esteem will naturally grow.

Facing a particularly traumatic phase in your life?

If so,then try these 3 painless strategies for overcoming low self-esteem during trying times.

http://path-to-happiness.com/confidence/self-esteem/how-to-overcome-low-self-esteem/

Article Source: EzineArticles.com

Simple huh! Unfortunately “reprogramming your beliefs and inner-dialogue” isn’t that simple. Learning to accept compliments and rewarding yourself are good habits to get into and over the long term will help. I’m a great believer in stepping outside your comfort zone, but this is more of a benefit for self confidence rather than self esteem. I’m not sure how realist this “surrounding yourself” with positive people is, and there is eveidence that positive affirmations can be counter productive.

http://www.inc.com/empact/bill-gates-warren-buffett-and-oprah-all-use-the-5-hour-rule.html

The author of this article states “Many of these leaders, despite being extremely busy, set aside at least an hour a day (or five hours a week) over their entire career for activities that could be classified as deliberate practice or learning.”
Is this what you do? She goes on to reflect that this “learning” can be subdivided into:-
(1) Read
(2) Reflect
(3) Experiment

Do you think this is useful?

photo by Claudio Toledo on Flickr

Huge strides in patient care and medical treatments became possible after more hospitals began adopting electronic medical records. The benefits of comprehensive electronic health records are particularly helpful in surgery, where every piece of data—laboratory test results, vital sign records, and previous medical treatments—help surgeons improve patient care. Electronic health records don’t necessarily need to […]

The post How Technological Breakthroughs are Transforming Medicine appeared first on Self Help Zone.

Everybody wants a meaningful and lasting relationship. So, why does there seem to be such a scarcity of great relationships these days? Is there some way that we could be better prepared before we take a big relationship plunge?

While every relationship has its own unique complexities, I believe that what we bring into a relationship emotionally is crucial to the success of that relationship. Too many people make a commitment to another person without being emotionally aligned with the reality of that commitment. They are still thinking like an individual instead of a couple.

When one becomes two it’s time for an upgrade

When we decide to settle down in a relationship, we need to change the way we think.  We need a different kind of internal program if we want to enjoy all the benefits of a relationship that can go the distance. When we are single, it’s easy to be centered on ourselves because we live in a simpler, more singular world.  Function on that singular level is not very complicated.

To be part of a lasting and supportive relationship, we need to expand our thinking because life gets a bit more complicated and requires a program with greater capacity. That means it’s time for an upgrade. To succeed in a relationship, we need to reprogram the way we think about life. If we do it right then life gets better, more meaningful and rewarding.

Out with the old, in with the new

Anytime we raise the bar of expectations in any area of our lives, we need to upgrade our internal programming.  Those who choose to stubbornly stick to their old way of thinking can’t experience meaningful growth.

If we want to accomplish something extraordinary, like a truly successful relationship, the place to start is internally.  Our old way of thinking got us where we are, and that was what it was designed to do.  But now we are ready to move on, to grow and expand our world and reach out for more.

Know what you want

When a computer programmer decides to create a new program he always has a reason, an objective.  Programs are designed for very specific purposes.  If the programmer doesn’t understand what he is trying to accomplish, how can he design the right program? Likewise, before we can change our thinking, we need to have a clear understanding of what we intend to accomplish, and why.

Let’s go back to our single person who wants to build a relationship.  For the sake of discussion, let’s just say he’s a single guy who has enjoyed living on his own for the past five years. Now he’s met someone really special and as the relationship grows he wants to take it to the next level.

The relationship shift

Now his internal focus has shifted to include another person and his mental reference point has changed from me to we. At this point his life needs to be played by a completely different set of rules because he has a whole new point of reference.

Including another person in your life means changing the way you think about everything.  It’s your life times two and then some, which means it’s at least twice as complicated.  We won’t even talk about what happens when you bring children to the mix. So why do it?  Why purposely complicate your life? Because you know that it has the potential to be at least twice as rewarding and enjoyable. You know it and you want it.

A real relationship needs a serious commitment

Here’s a chapter from my own life. I didn’t get married until I was in my thirties, and the reason for that is – I only wanted to do it once and I wanted to make sure that I did it right.  My dad had drilled it into my head as a kid, “don’t make promises you can’t keep.”  I knew that marriage would be one of the most serious promises I would ever make, and I wanted to be sure that I could keep my word.

So I waited.  I waited until I met somebody I knew I could not live without.  Obviously, I wanted it to work.  Realizing that there are certain things that can quietly undermine a marriage, I wanted to make sure that these things were handled before I made a major commitment to our relationship.

Leave the baggage behind

One of the subtleties that will unravel the fabric of a relationship is when someone carries a fantasy about a past flame. I’d seen it happen to other marriages, and I wasn’t about to let it happen to mine.  So I did a little self-examination to see if I was harboring any fantasies of this sort.  I made sure that each memory of past relationships included complete closure.

For a single person, perhaps such fantasies aren’t considered harmful.  But they can spell disaster for a marriage because every time there’s a disagreement you can escape into the fantasy of “what if.”  This may seem like a small change and obviously there were others that needed to be made as well.  But 27 years later, here I am, still married to the same, wonderful woman.

Channel your emotional power

So, why was I motivated to do this self-examination and to root out any little problems that I found?  Because my emotions were fully engaged and I was highly motivated to make whatever changes were necessary.  I knew that I wanted to build a  relationship that could go the distance, and I wasn’t about to let anything stand in my way.

In this crazy world, a truly meaningful relationship really is an extraordinary thing.  If that’s the kind of relationship that you want, then you need to be willing to upgrade the thinking that drives your behavior. You need to program yourself for a relationship that will bring genuine joy and meaning to your life.

How well is your internal relationship program serving you?
What do you think is the most important quality in a relationship?
Share your thoughts on facebook or google+

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