Медитация относится к государству, в котором ваше тело и ум сознательно расслаблены и сосредоточены. Практикующие этого искусства сообщают о повышении осведомленности, сосредоточенности и концентрации, а также о более позитивном взгляде на жизнь.
Медитация чаще всего ассоциируется с монахами, мистиками и другими духовными дисциплинами. Тем не менее, вы не должны быть монахом или мистиком, чтобы наслаждаться его преимуществами. И вы даже не должны быть в специальном месте, чтобы практиковать его. Вы даже можете попробовать его в вашей собственной гостиной!

Хотя существует много различных подходов к медитации, фундаментальные принципы остаются теми же. Наиболее важным из этих принципов является устранение обструктивных, негативных и блуждающих мыслей и фантазий, а также успокоительное ума с глубоким чувством сосредоточенности. Это очищает ум от мусора и готовит его к более высокому качеству деятельности.

Негативные мысли у вас есть – те из шумных соседей, властный officemates, что парковка билет вы получили, и нежелательные спам-говорят, чтобы способствовать “загрязняющих” ума и закрытие их позволяет для “чистки” ума, так что он может сосредоточиться на более глубокие, более значимые мысли.

Некоторые практикующие даже закрыли все сенсорные входные данные – ни достопримечательностей, ни звуков, ни ничего на ощупь – и пытаются отделить себя от волнения вокруг них. Теперь вы можете сосредоточиться на глубокой, глубокой мысли, если это ваша цель. Это может показаться оглушительным на первый, так как мы все слишком привыкли постоянно слышать и видеть вещи, но, как вы продолжаете это упражнение вы окажетесь становится все более осведомлены обо всем вокруг вас.

Если вы обнаружите, медитируя позиции вы видите по телевизору угрожающие – те, с невозможно арочные спины, и болезненный вид искривления – вам не нужно беспокоиться. Принцип здесь заключается в том, чтобы быть в удобном положении, благоприятном для концентрации. Это может быть, сидя скрестив ноги, стоя, лежа, и даже ходить.

Если позиция позволяет расслабиться и сосредоточиться, то это будет хорошей отправной точкой. Сидя или стоя, спина должна быть прямой, но не напряженной или жесткой. В других позициях, только нет-нет сутулый и засыпает.

Свободная, удобная одежда очень помогает в этом процессе, так как жесткая одежда, как правило, душит вас и заставить вас чувствовать себя напряженным.

Место, где вы выполняете медитацию, должно иметь успокаивающую атмосферу. Это может быть в вашей гостиной, или спальне, или в любом месте, что вы чувствуете себя комфортно дюйма Вы можете осуществлять коврик, если вы планируете взять на себя более сложные позиции (если вы чувствуете себя более целенаправленной делать это, и если акробат в вас кричал для освобождения). Вы можете иметь место расположены так, что это успокаивает ваши чувства.

Тишина помогает большинству людей расслабиться и медитировать, так что вы можете тихой, изолированной области вдали от звона телефона или гудение стиральной машины. Приятные ароматы также помогают в этом отношении, так чулок на ароматические свечи не такая уж плохая идея либо.

Монахи, которые вы видите по телевизору, изготовив эти монотонные звуки, на самом деле выполняют свою мантру. Проще говоря, это короткое кредо, простой звук, который для этих практиков имеет мистическое значение.

Вам не нужно выполнять такие; однако следует отметить, что сосредоточение внимания на повторяющихся действиях, таких как дыхание и гудение, помогает практикующему войти в более высокое состояние сознания.

Принцип здесь фокус. Вы также можете попробовать сосредоточиться на определенном объекте или мысли, или даже, сохраняя глаза открытыми, сосредоточиться на одном виде.

Один образец рутины было бы – в то время как в медитативном состоянии – молча назвать каждую часть вашего тела и фокусировки вашего сознания на этой части. При этом вы должны быть осведомлены о любом напряжении на любой части вашего тела. Мысленно визуализировать освобождение этого напряжения. Он творит чудеса.

В целом, медитация является относительно без риска практике, и ее преимущества хорошо стоит усилий (или не усилия – помните, что мы расслабляемся).

Исследования показали, что медитация действительно приносит полезные физиологические эффекты для организма. И в медицинском сообществе растет консенсус в отношении дальнейшего изучения последствий такого. Итак, в ближайшем будущем, кто знает, что мистическая, эзотерическая вещь, которую мы называем медитацией, может стать самой наукой!

Change Doesn’t Happen Alone!

Most of us wish we could improve certain things about ourselves.
But lasting change is difficult, because many of our habits are deeply rooted within our core.

If you look up a definition of self-change (http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary); the word you’ve entered isn’t in the dictionary. Click on a spelling suggestion below or try again using the search bar above.

I’ve never delivered a baby, so I’ll say change is at least one of the hardest challenges that any of us will ever have to face.

We are social beings – meaning we need each other to survive. We need interaction and exchange with other people to get feedback to let us know where we are so we can gauge our progress. Not to mention relationships and support.

I believe that change is participatory and involves getting help, giving help, and learning to help yourself as well as sharing your and others knowledge and experiences.

That’s why I created this site PablosHelpDesk

To create an exchange of ideas and hope for change.

We can all change. With a little hope, effort, determination, and a dash of faith, it is possible to be the person you want to be. Even the oldest habits can be changed to some degree.

My goal is for us to come together to openly share experiences and offer mutual support as we struggle through this chaos we call life.

So thanks for coming, please leave us feedback, so we can learn and grow. If you like share comments, and/or leave us some ideas on items that are important to you.

Talent stack is a concept coined by Scott Adams, creator of the Dilbert comic. It’s the idea that you can combine normal skills until you have the right kind to be extraordinary.

An example is Scott himself. He’s not the best artist — there are better artists than him. He’s not much of a business expert — there are more savvy experts. He has never taken a college-level writing class. Yet, he created Dilbert, a famous comic strip that appears in 65 countries.^[1] Scott is said to have a net worth of $75 million, majority of which comes from Dilbert.^[2]

As he says, “When you add in my ordinary business skills, my strong work ethic, my risk tolerance, and my reasonably good sense of humor, I’m fairly unique. And in this case that uniqueness has commercial value.”

Understanding how a talent stack works is important. Normally, people think that success comes from developing talent in one skill. This works well in some fields. In medicine, the natural progression is to pick a specialty. In sports, you train to become best in your field, like Tiger Woods (golf) and Michael Jordan (basketball). In acting, you develop the best acting chops, like Robert De Niro and Morgan Freeman.

But besides becoming world-class in one skill, talent can come from having a unique stack of skills that no one else has. You can utilize different skills to create value in a way no one else can, thus becoming one-of-a-kind in your own league.

More Examples of Talent Stack

Lisa Elfridge is a celebrity make-up artist on YouTube. She was already known prior to starting her website and YouTube channel. But after she started her channel focusing on beauty and makeup tips, her authority and success rose to a whole new level.^[3]

Reason? She is one of her kind in her field.

• Celebrity makeup artists work with their clients for photo shoots, appearances. They don’t publish their work online. Most of their self-marketing happens offline, through networking, connections, etc.
• On the other hand, online makeup gurus generally show how they do their own makeup. But they are not professionally trained. They cannot give professional advice on what is the best makeup for different skin tones, or for skin that is not like theirs.

Lisa has a unique talent stack to navigate the ultra-competitive beauty space:

1. Makeup skills. She has professional makeup skills.
2. Industry knowledge. She has real experience working with celebrities.
3. Presentation skills. She communicates her makeup tips in an easy-to-understand way. White backdrop, no frills or production gimmicks. No music. Just her and her beauty tips.
4. Video creation skills. She knows how to create professional-looking videos, or at the least she hires people with the right skills.

People in the celebrity makeup world have the first two skills. Online makeup gurus have the latter two skills. But Lisa is able to harness all four skills, hence becoming extraordinary in her field. That’s her talent stack.

Example: Blogging

When I started my blog, I was not much of a writer — I have never taken a professional writing class. I have average web design skills. I have good marketing and business strategy skills. I have very strong analytical skills. And I have a strong passion for growth.

Put these together and I was able to create a coaching business that thrives despite stiff competition. My blend of skills is strong enough to stand out in the market:

1. Marketing and business strategy. Most web business owners do not have professional marketing knowledge. What was common sense to me, in marketing my business, was alien to everyone else. After entering the field, I realized no one really knew what they were doing in terms of business strategy and management. Many bloggers were just randomly blogging but no one was thinking about their blog as a strategic platform for their business, not until the 2010s when the commercial potential for blogging became obvious.
2. Design and coding. Many web business owners do not have web design or coding knowledge. In the end, they get stuck with technical issues as running a web business has become super complicated today. You can hire a designer but you get stuck in the to-and-fro and trying to convey your ideas to them. Even when paying high fees for good designers, there’s still a gap between intention and execution. And that’s not even talking about ongoing maintenance which is part of any website today.
3. Coaching. My coaching has a unique edge because I can analyze and break down intricate problems, with a focus on solving issues by tackling their root cause. On the other hand, most coaches provide surface solutions and some form of emotional support, but their clients continue to deal with the same problems becauss the root issue is never addressed.
4. Writing. I am an average writer, but at the very least my writing is passable and good enough for blog articles. I’m also constantly working on my writing skills.
5. Analytical skills. For everything else, my ability to learn and analyze things helps me fill the gap.

Since starting my blog, I have built new skills to further stand out from the competition: public speaking, podcasting, video editing, and networking skills. With a diverse mix of skills, I’m able to stay ahead despite constant market changes.

How a Talent Stack Works

A talent stack works in this way:

• You leverage on the skills that you have to create an edge. Marketing, networking, technical, design, etc.
• Even if you don’t have a skill, you can learn it to set yourself apart from others.
• You mix seemingly normal skills together and become extraordinary in your own right.

Example: Recruitment

Let’s say you are a software engineer. You are great in your field. You design and develop software with ease. However, you are stuck in a job that pays you almost the same amount every year.

Many software engineers are technically competent but lack the savviness to market themselves. They are simply not taught how to market themselves in engineering and computing classes. A possible talent stack here can be:

• Technical. You already have this skill if you’re a software developer.
• Networking. You form positive relationships with people across the organization. You have high visibility among the management. You form relationships with recruiters, headhunters, and peers in different industries to expand your job options. You know how to use Linkedin to connect with industry peers and get potential job offers.
• Presentation. You can present yourself well, and your ideas eloquently.
• Marketing. You know how to market yourself and sell your strengths. Your resume is filled with achievements but not responsibilities. You know how to present your skills and job history in the best way.

You don’t need to be the best in networking/presentation/marketing. Just knowing some networking, presentation, and marketing skills puts you at a sweet spot, ahead of others. Because everyone else (in your field) lacks these skills.

One of my recent clients is a technical developer. In the past year, he learned different technical skills (that are emerging in the market now) to widen his skills set. Doing so increased his appeal as a job candidate. At the same time, we worked on his self-marketing skills — giving his resume an overhaul, focusing on achievements rather than responsibilities, learning to position his skills and capabilities. He also began networking — with recruiters, headhunters, industry peers — to get himself out there.

In the end, he got a job offer that paid him 60% more than his previous job.

If he didn’t upgrade himself, chances of such an attractive job switch are virtually zero. He would be locked in his current company, subjected to the offer presented by his company. In fact this was what happened in his previous jobs. But because of his skill sets, he can navigate the industry easily and get the best offer. He’s not the best marketer. He’s not the best networker. But having decent skills in these are enough to put him ahead.

The goal of a talent stack is to stack different skills to create a sweet spot. A sweet point that dramatically raises your value in a competitive field. This applies whether you are a blogger, salaried employee, business owner, baker, software developer, coach, or something else.

3 Questions to You

My questions to you:

1. What industry are you in? Blogging? Health and fitness? IT? Coaching? Online business? YouTube? Others?
2. In your industry, what skills do people compete on?
3. Given that everyone has these skills in #2, what new skills can you learn to 10X your market value?

Another Example: Music

For example, electronic music tends to be very loud music that is used for raves, nightclubs, and festivals. Kitarō is different. He uses electronic and other instruments to create instrumental, East Asian music that is soothing and pleasing to the ear. In the American music industry, his music is a refreshing change.

He is not the best synthesizer player. He’s not the best flute player or drummer. But his ability to integrate western style of music with eastern elements makes him one of the most prominent musical acts of New-Age music, with more than 100 million copies of his 50 albums sold worldwide.^[4] Kitarō’s talent stack lies in his synthesizer skills, his general knowledge in music (self-taught), his familiarity with the Eastern culture (he was born into a family of Shinto-Buddhist farmers), and his connection with nature (he lives in the mountains to get inspiration for his music).^[5][6][7]

Wrapping Up

What new skills can you learn? If you have absolutely no idea what to learn, some true-north skills that are great for stacking are:

• Public speaking
• Marketing
• Coding (Because the world today is so digitized)
• Social media marketing
• Business management
• Whatever you are passionate about

Again, you don’t need to be the best in every skill. Simply learning a new skill opens up so many options. For some, learning and combining different skills may be the answer to discover your passion and talent — rather than something that you discover by sitting around and waiting for life to happen.

Read:

• What To Do When You Have Too Many Passions
• Skills Development
• The Market Leader Effect

The post How to Build an Edge: Develop Your Talent Stack appeared first on Personal Excellence.

 

What is empathy? It is the ability to understand and share the feelings of another person. The ability to put yourself in other’s shoes, and try to relate and understand where they are coming from, even if the situation is not familiar to you. Recently I was sharing a personal problem with a good friend from London. Not only did he respond right away, which I didn’t expect because it was late at night his time, but he gave very thoughtful remarks. There were several things he did/said that made me feel better:

• He asked questions to understand my situation further.
• He didn’t judge but understood things from my perspective.
• He considered things from various angles.
• He gave helpful suggestions on what could work.
• He constantly related to my feelings, which were unhappiness, hurt, and frustration, rather than dismiss or brush them away.

I later realized that he had woken up in the middle of the night, but had chosen to respond and engage in an hour-long conversation with me, rather than return to sleep. I later texted him, “Thanks X. I really appreciate having you as a friend. 🙂 “

How to Have Empathy

It goes without saying that empathy is important. I have shared personal problems with friends before but got replies that made me feel worse and regret sharing my problem. I have also made casual remarks that good friends picked up, which later turned into heartfelt conversations, because it created the opening for me to share. When you have empathy for others, you help them feel better about themselves. You help others relieve their problems. You also strengthen your relationship with the person, because empathy is like a conduit that lets thoughts and emotions flow. So how can you have empathy? Here are 8 tips to be empathetic to our friends, loved ones, colleagues and family.

1. Put yourself in the person’s shoes. It’s easy for us to make comments and judge. We can also say “This is no big deal” or “I don’t see why you feel this way” or “You’re over-reacting.” However, put yourself in the person’s shoes and walk a mile. Maybe they are undergoing great pain and difficulty. Maybe they are experiencing deep problems from other areas of their life. Maybe there are little issues that led them to behave this way. Without knowing the full details of a person’s problem, how can we make a conclusion? Imagine you are the person. Imagine going through this problem right now, and try to understand things from their perspective. This will allow you to connect with their emotions and perspective better.
2. Show care and concern. When someone tells you a personal problem, chances are he/she doesn’t feel well and needs your emotional support. Show care and concern. Ask, “How are you feeling?” to show concern. “Is there anything I can do for you?” is a great way to show support. If you are close friends, offering to talk on the phone or meet up, can make a big difference to them. If he/she is your partner, give him/her a hug and be there for him/her.
3. Acknowledge the person’s feelings. One of the biggest problems I find in communication is that many people don’t acknowledge the other person’s feelings. Acknowledging means to recognize the importance of something. So for example, someone says “I feel so frustrated with X.” Acknowledging this feeling means saying, “Why are you frustrated?” or “I’m sorry to hear that. What happened?”On the other hand, when you brush off or dismiss that emotion (e.g. “Relax,” “What’s the big deal?”), or you try to avoid the topic or say something irrelevant, you are not acknowledging — or respecting — their feelings. Think about emotions as the connecting point in a conversation. How you respond to an emotion is central to whether the person continues to share or closes off. When someone expresses an emotion, like “I’m sad,” “I’m angry,” or “I’m frustrated,” acknowledge the emotion. For example: “I’m so sorry that you are feeling this,” “This must be really frustrating,” or “What happened?”
4. Ask questions. Questions open a conversation. When someone gets the courage to share, especially a personal problem, asking questions encourages them to share more. Think about what the person said and ask meaningful questions.For example, say your friend confides to you that she just broke up with her long-term boyfriend. Asking questions like, “What happened?”, “Are you okay?” or “Why did you guys break up?” can help her open up. It also tells her that you want to hear more. On the other hand, giving nondescript remarks like, “I see, hope you can move on,” or “Breaking up is normal,” or “Rest well and take a break” are not only unhelpful, but shuts them from opening up further.
5. Mirror. A big conversation stopper is when someone types 10 paragraphs of text while you respond with one short line. Same when you respond to a deeply personal message with a mono-syllabic response, like “I see” or “Ok.” That’s because the person is being very open, while your response is closed off. You are not responding in resonance with the person.This is where mirroring comes in. Mirroring means to imitate someone’s nonverbal signals — gesture, speech pattern, or attitude  — to build rapport. In my opinion, NLP practitioners have made a bad rep out of mirroring. They teach people to replicate a person’s mannerisms from head to toe. But this misses the point — mirroring is about connecting authentically with others. The goal is not to “copy” someone’s mannerisms blindly, but to use it to build rapport.For example, if your friend shares a personal fact, reciprocate by sharing a personal fact of your own (if relevant). If they make eye contact, reciprocate by giving eye contact. If they look away, look away and give them some private space. Don’t copy every aspect of their body language without thought. Instead, adjust your behavior to match their’s in tone and vibe.
6. Don’t run ahead of the conversation. A big mistake I notice people making when someone is sharing a problem, is that they simply jump to the end point of the conversation.For example: Someone tells you he just got retrenched. You reply, “I see. Hope you can get a job soon.” What’s wrong with this? Firstly, the person just got retrenched, so he’s likely feeling hurt and depressed. The more empathetic thing to do is to understand how he is feeling first. Secondly, the person may be retrenched because the job market is bad. Saying “Hope you can get a job soon” can feel like you’re rubbing salt into a wound, because it reminds them of the uncertainty ahead.What will help is to (a) connect the person based on their current emotional state, and (b) move them forward with forwarding questions. In the retrenchment example, a good way to approach the conversation will be asking the following questions, in this order: “I’m so sorry to hear that. What happened?” → “How are you feeling now?” → “What are your plans?” → (and if he wants to look for a job soon) → “What kind of jobs are you looking for?” Insert other questions in between, depending on the exchange. Another example: Someone just ended a long-term relationship. Saying “Cheer up and be happy” right away is insensitive as it downplays the person’s pain. Instead, ask questions like “How are you feeling?”, “Are you okay?”, “What happened?”, or “Do you want to talk?” to move them out of their pain. While you may have good intentions in telling the person to be happy, it doesn’t help as you are not recognizing their pain. Put yourself in the person’s shoes and imagine how they feel (tip #1). Pace and match the person’s emotional state, rather than trying to rush the conversation to a specific end point.
7. Don’t judge. Judgment shuts off a conversation. This is the same for pre-judgement, which means forming a judgement on an issue (or person) before you have adequate information. For example, say your friend gets into an argument with her boss, and you assume she is in the wrong because her boss is a manager. Or say, your friend scored poorly for exams, and you assume that he didn’t study — even though there could be other reasons like family problems. The best way is not to pass judgment. Give the person the benefit of the doubt. Everyone is struggling to do their best in life, so why judge and bring someone down?
8. Show emotional support. Last but not least, give emotional support. This means, give them your trust and affirmation. Encourage them. Let them know that no matter what happens, you have their back. A supportive statement I often get is from my god-sister, which is: “Knowing you, you always consider things very carefully. So whatever happens, I will support you.” Sometimes, what people are looking for is not answers. It’s also not solutions. Sometimes, all people are looking for is empathy and support. That in this big world of strangers, filled with fear and uncertainty, that there is someone here to support them, without judgment or bias.

How can you apply the above to your relationships today? 🙂

“I find it a challenge to say no to people and often, I end up with too many commitments than I’m comfortable with. However, if I say no, I worry about them being unhappy or offended. Why do I feel this way? How can I learn to say no and not end up feeling bad about it or not offending the other person?” – Ruth

Do you hate saying no? Are you always saying yes to others at the expense of yourself?

I’ll admit it — I used to find it very hard to say no. Whenever someone approached me for something, be it to pick my brain or assist them on a personal project, I would say yes. Part of it was because I didn’t want to leave others in the lurch. Part of it was because I didn’t want to disappoint people. Another part was because I was afraid that the other person would be unhappy if I said no.

Over time though, I realized that saying yes came with its consequences. Because I kept saying yes to everyone, I would have little time for the things on my agenda. My days would be filled with things that others wanted from me, with little to no time for things of my own. I would regularly sacrifice my sleep just so that I could be there for everyone.

It wasn’t long before I became weighed down by the constant pressure to be there for everyone. I was utterly miserable, burnt out, and unhappy. My time was no longer my own — it was taken over by what others wanted from me.

Why It’s Important to Say No (And Why We Find It So Hard To Do So)

In an ideal world, we want to say yes to everyone, sure. But as you can see from my case, saying “yes” to everyone isn’t the way to go. You need to say no in order to

• Manage your time. In an ideal world where we have unlimited time, we could easily say yes to everything. But the reality is that we have limited time a day. In order to get things done, we need to say “no.”
• Set boundaries. When you don’t draw a line between your needs and others’ needs, people will assume that you should give by default. When you say no, you start to set boundaries and protect your personal space.
• Have time for your Quadrant 2 goals. Quadrant 2 goals are the most important goals in your life, such as finding your passion, starting your business, and building your relationships with your loved ones. Saying no is about protecting your Q2 goals and making sure that you have time for these goals.
• Be happy. When you say no, you control your time. You control what goes into your day. And you get back to being in the driver’s seat of your life.

Yet for many of us, we find it tough to say no. This can be due to reasons such as…

1. Fear of being rude. You are afraid that if you say no, you would be regarded as being rude. I was brought up thinking that saying no, especially to older people, is rude. This is especially so in the Asian culture where seniority is valued and disagreement is seen as defiance.
2. Desire to conform. You want to be a positive and well-liked person, so you say yes. You don’t want to be seen or labeled as difficult.
3. Fear of conflict. You are afraid the person may get unhappy if you reject him/her, which may lead to an ugly confrontation.
4. Afraid to burn bridges. Some people take “no” as a sign of rejection, and you’re afraid to burn bridges.
5. Fear of lost opportunities. You are worried that saying no means closing the door to new opportunities.
6. You want to help. Deep down, you want to help the person. So you say yes even though you really can’t afford the time.

Yet these are not real reasons to say no. Why do I say that?

• Saying no doesn’t mean that you’re being rude.
• Neither does it mean that you’re being disagreeable. Having an opinion is part of being an individual. If we say yes all the time to things that we don’t want to do, then we’ll be busy doing things that others want us to do, not things that we want to do.
• Saying no doesn’t mean creating conflict — it’s about asserting your needs and boundaries. If we don’t assert ourselves, people end up assuming that we are okay with something when we are not.
• Saying no also doesn’t mean a loss of opportunity. It’s more important to say yes to the right things and opportunities rather than to say yes to everything, including things that are irrelevant to you.
• Last but not least, when we keep helping others without regard for ourselves, we end up sacrificing our personal goals, our time with our loved ones, and our health. We need to first say yes to ourselves before we can be of service to the world.

Ultimately, it’s your right to say no. Every “yes” comes with its costs — the commitment, the time, and the effort to honor the request. While the cost may be small for each “yes,” little trickles of yes’es over a long time will eventually deviate you from your long-term goal.

How to Say “No”

When it comes to saying no, you want to achieve two aims: you want to say no effectively, and you want to say no tactfully. Here are my 7 tips to say no.

1. Be direct

It’s easier to say “no” right away rather than put it off (assuming that you already know that you want to say no). The longer you stall, the more complicated it becomes, because now you have the added pressure of explaining why you took so long to reply. Just be direct and get to the point.

As a general rule, when I find it hard to reject someone, I have a two-sentence rule to get it over and done with. Start off with a “Sorry, I can’t.” Then, give your reason in one sentence. (Or if you don’t want to give a reason, just end it there.) Limiting your rejection to two sentences makes the rejection easier, because rather than give some lengthy explanation about why you can’t do something, which makes you procrastinate saying no, you cut right to the chase. Even if you end up replying in 3-4 sentences or more, the 2-sentence rule helps you get started.

E.g.

• “I’m sorry, I can’t make it for this appointment.”
• “I’ll pass this round, sorry about that.”
• “This doesn’t meet my needs at the moment. Thanks for having me in mind!”
• “I’m tied down with something and won’t be able to do this.”

2. Be sincere

Often times we are afraid that if we say “no,” we’ll burn bridges. So we hum and haw and pretend to be okay and say yes. Or we relent and say yes after the person persists.

Here’s the thing — most people will accept your no when you are sincere in your rejection. No games, no gimmicks. Just plain raw honesty, for example, “I’m not free to meet for this period as I’m busy with [X]”, or “This isn’t what I’m looking for, sorry about that.” The people who care enough will understand, while those who take offense probably have unhealthy expectations to begin with.

Note that this tip only works for people who respect your personal space. If you’re dealing with persistent folks who don’t respect your space, then it’s better to just say no without giving too much information.

3. Focus on the request, not the person

One of the reasons I struggled with saying no in the past was that I didn’t want to reject the person. My mom wasn’t there for me when I was a child (in that she was emotionally vacant as a person), and that made me want to be there for others. However, as I shared above, saying yes to everyone caused me to burn out. I was downright miserable.

In learning to say no, I learned to focus on the request and not the person. This means that instead of feeling obligated to say yes because I was afraid to let the person down, I learned to look at the request and assess if it is a fit with my plans. Is this something I can realistically do? Is this something I can afford to do right now? In light of all the things on my to-do list, can I do this without compromising on my other to-dos?

If the answer is a “no,” then I’ll reject it. It’s not about the person. It’s nothing personal. It’s simply about the request itself, and the request simply isn’t something I can fulfill at the moment. When you review requests as they are, you objectively reject requests that are not compatible with you, vs. feeling bad for saying no when it’s simply a necessary step in your communication with the person.

4. Be positive

We’ve been taught to associate no with negativity, and that saying no will lead to conflict. But it is possible to say “no” and maintain a harmonious relationship. It’s about how you do it.

To start off, stop associating “no” with negativity. Realize that it’s part and parcel of human communication. When you see “no” as a bad thing (when it isn’t), this negative energy will inadvertently be expressed in your response (when it doesn’t have to be). There’s no need to feel bad, feel guilty, or worry about the other person’s feelings (excessively). This doesn’t mean that you should be tactless in your reply, but that you should not obsess over how others will feel.

Next, when saying “no,” explain your position calmly. Let the person know that you appreciate his/her invite/request but you can’t take it on due to [X]. Perhaps you have conflicting priorities, or you have something on, or you simply have no time. You would love to help or get involved if possible, but it’s not something you can afford to do now.

Even though you are rejecting the person’s request, keep the options open for the future. Let the person know that you can always reconnect down the road to meet, collaborate, discuss possibilities, etc.

5. Give an alternative

This is optional, but if you know of an alternative, share it. For example, if you know of someone who can help him/her, then share the contact (with the person’s permission of course). This should only be done if you happen to know an alternative, not to compensate for not saying yes.

6. Don’t make yourself responsible for others’ feelings

Part of the reason I resisted saying no in the past was that I didn’t want to make others feel bad. I felt like I was responsible for how others would feel, and I didn’t want others to be unhappy.

The result was that I would bend over backward just to make others happy. I spent countless late nights catching up on work as I put others’ needs before myself and only had time for my own stuff at night. This was terrible for my health and well-being.

At some point, we need to draw a line between helping others and helping ourselves. To be of service to others, we need to prioritize our own health and happiness. Don’t make yourself responsible for others’ feelings, especially if they are going to respond negatively to your “no’s.” If the person accepts your “no,” great; if not, then that’s too bad. Do what you can, and then move on if it’s beyond what you can offer… which leads me to point #7.

7. Be ready to let go

If the person is disrespectful of your needs and expects that you should always say yes, then you might want to re-evaluate this relationship.

Too often we are taught to maintain harmony at all costs, which is why we dislike saying no — we don’t want to create conflict. But when a relationship is draining you; when the other party takes you for granted and the dynamics of the relationship is skewed in the person’s favor, then you have to ask yourself if this connection is what you want. A healthy relationship is one where both parties support each other. It’s not one where one party is constantly giving and giving, while the other person keeps asking and taking.

When I evaluate the relationships that drain me, I realize that they are the relationships where I’m not my real self, where I’m expected to say yes and the other party gets unhappy if I say no. For such relationships, the other person is unhappy as long as there’s a “no” — it doesn’t matter how the “no” is said as the person simply expects a “yes.”

If you’re dealing with such a person, then the question to you is, is this relationship worth keeping? If no, then it’s simple — simply let go of it. If this is an important relationship to you, then let the person know about this issue. It’s possible that they are not aware of what they are doing and an open, honest conversation will open their eyes to it.

So instead of worrying about saying no all the time with this person, which isn’t the real problem, you address the root of the issue — that you’re in a connection where you’re expected to be a giver. Perhaps in the process of doing this, you strengthen your relationship together. Because now you can be openly honest with him/her and say yes or no as you desire, without feeling any guilt, fear, or hesitation — which is what saying no should be about.

Check out related resources:

• Keep Your End Objective In Mind
• Quitting To Win
• How to Say No [Manifesto]
• How to Say No [Podcast]
• How to Be Assertive Without Being Aggressive

The post How to Say No: The Definitive Guide appeared first on Personal Excellence.

“Hi Celes, may I ask, how would you know if a relationship is worth saving and how would you know if it’s going nowhere? Thank you so much.” – Drizzle 🙂

Are you at a relationship crossroads? Are you wondering if your relationship with your significant other is worth saving or if it’s going nowhere?

We’ve all been there — a stage where you wonder if this relationship is right for you, whether you should fight for it or give up. When you’re constantly fighting with your SO or when you’re trying so hard to make things work out, it’s normal to doubt yourself and wonder if there is a future in this union.

While every relationship is different, here are 7 signs that your relationship is worth saving.

1) Your partner is trying to make things work

(Image: Everton Vila)

This is the number one sign you need to look for — that your partner is trying to make things work. A relationship can’t thrive if only one half of the union is doing the work. If you’re the only person who has been trying, who has been showing up for therapy, and who has been doing the work, then clearly something is wrong. Your partner needs to be on board in healing the relationship, otherwise there is no relationship to speak of.

I have a friend who used to be in a toxic relationship, and one of the clear signs that the relationship was not worth saving was the fact that her boyfriend never put in the effort to make things work. She was always the one trying to salvage the relationship while her boyfriend did nothing. If that’s you, consider if this is the kind of person you want to be with. You want to be with someone who genuinely cares for you and puts in the effort to make things work, not someone who doesn’t even blink an eye when the relationship is failing.

2) You still feel love for each other

(Image: NeONBRAND)

It’s easy to suggest breaking up when you’re in the middle of an argument. But ask yourself: Do you still love him/her? And does he/she love you?

If the answer is “yes” to both, then perhaps the relationship is worth saving. It’s not easy to find a relationship where the love is still there after all the struggles. Sometimes there is love at the start but it fizzles out. Sometimes there was never love from the start. If both of you still deeply love each other, cherish this love and give your relationship another chance.

3) You share similar values

Do you share the same values? For example, do you have a common long-term vision? Do you value the same things? Do you have the same philosophy and belief in a lot of things?

Even though you may have your differences — and that’s normal as part of any relationship — what determines the long-term potential of a relationship is whether you share the same values. When you have the same core values as your partner, you have common ground to build your future on and to build a strong, steady relationship. What you’re going through now may just be a temporary blip and if you manage to work through this problem now, you may well end up with a stronger relationship than ever.

4) There is no one else like him/her

(Image: zentilia)

You’ve met many people and there is simply no one else like him/her. Despite your differences, when you stop to think, your partner has many good things about him/her. He/she has many good qualities that you value and adore. He/she is a perfect match with you in many ways. He/she is unlike anyone you have ever met. If you let him/her go, you’re not sure if you can ever meet someone like him/her again because he/she is one in a million.

5) There is remorse for wrongdoings

(Image: Riccardo Mion)

Maybe your partner did you wrong. Maybe he/she lied, lost his/her temper, or was unreasonable in his/her behavior. Maybe he/she cheated and saw someone behind your back.

If there is any wrongdoing, maintain a clear head and assess the situation. Firstly, is this a mistake you can forgive? Next, has he/she shown remorse for his/her behavior? Lastly, is he/she doing anything about the issue? 

Different people have different thresholds on what they can accept, and you should never stay with someone if he/she did something that you cannot forgive. But if (a) your partner is remorseful and is taking active steps about the issue, and (b) this mistake is something you can forgive, then consider giving him/her a chance. If the issue recurs, give your partner an ultimatum and let him/her know that you cannot be together if this issue persists. Give him/her a timeline to work on this issue and assess if things have improved sufficiently by the end of it.

If you’re dealing with deep-seated problems like abuse or anger management issues, seek professional help right away. Don’t attempt to deal with it alone. No matter how much you love your partner, you must always protect and take care of yourself first. Help him/her by first removing yourself from the situation, and then seek professional help. To save the relationship, you need to work on the roots of the problem.

6) You’ve been through a lot together

(Image: Alex Iby)

Having a shared history shouldn’t be the only reason to stay together, but it is a reason to save the relationship. After all, if both of you have been through a lot in the past, chances are you have a strong understanding of each other’s likes and dislikes, how each other thinks, and how to best support each other. Such camaraderie is difficult to find without going through the same hurdles together with someone. If you and your partner have a strong history together, consider if you want to give this relationship another go.

7) Things have been improving, even if slowly

When all you do is argue non-stop with your partner, it’s easy to feel that all is lost and this relationship is a goner.

But take a step back and ask yourself: Have things been improving? Compared to when things were at their worst, have things been improving? Has your partner been listening to your feedback? Is he/she working on the issues between the both of you?

Maybe your partner has a lot of problems and it’s overwhelming you. But if things are improving, even if slowly, then consider giving him/her a chance. Sometimes things may not improve at the speed that you want, but that doesn’t mean that all is lost. Focus on the overall trajectory of the relationship instead.

What if you don’t meet the signs above?

If you don’t meet the signs above, not all is lost. These signs are really meant as a general guide. Ask yourself: Do you love your partner? Is this a relationship worth fighting for? Have you had many good moments together? If so, maybe you want to give your relationship another shot.

If your partner hasn’t been trying and if he/she keeps taking you for granted, then let go — you’re better off with someone who truly appreciates you. Check out my other article Top 12 Signs It’s Time To Move On From A Relationship.

The post How To Know If A Relationship Is Worth Saving appeared first on Personal Excellence.

Some of you may have noticed that updates at PE have been slow of late. There have been lots that I want to share, but I haven’t had the chance to share them as I’ve been waiting for the right time to do so.

Today, I want to announce the birth of my baby girl, Baby A. 🙂

Born with the entire water bag intact (also known as an en-caul birth) on April 18, Baby A is now almost 4 months old. 🙂 Between exclusive breastfeeding and taking on the new duties of motherhood, I haven’t had time to take a breather, but I hope to get back to updating PE and letting you guys in on what’s been going on in my life soon.

I look forward to sharing more in time to come, but in the meantime, just wanted to do this quick post to let you guys in on what’s been going on in my life. 🙂 If you have any questions, or anything you want me to answer on PE, let me know!

Update (Sep 2019): I’ve since updated the blog sharing my pregnancy journey and birth story:

• My Pregnancy Journey (And Why I Kept My Pregnancy A Secret)
• My Birth Story: Birth of Baby A!

The post Birth appeared first on Personal Excellence.

This is part 1 of my birth series, where I share my pregnancy journey and my birth story.

Hi everyone! Five months ago, I gave birth to Baby A. 🙂 Some of you may have wondered if you had missed my announcement on my pregnancy. The truth is, I didn’t post about my pregnancy anywhere, choosing to keep the news a secret. In total, I only shared the news with less than five people (including my husband), and a select group of close friends when I was getting close to birth.

Why I Kept My Pregnancy A Secret

The start of our pregnancy journey (July 2018)

The reason was that I simply wanted the personal space to focus on my pregnancy. For a while, I had been feeling boxed in by my culture. From the invisible pressure to have children, to the endless taboos and practices, I felt trapped by the many expectations of my culture, many of which are rooted in outdated beliefs and practices. The issue isn’t that they are tradition, but that many of these beliefs are not compatible with who I am, yet they are constantly forced onto me without regard of my wishes.

So since I was born, I was constantly told to shut up by my mom, who said that children should be “seen, not heard,” and that children “know nothing” — both of which are common beliefs in the traditional Chinese culture. As a girl, I was made to believe that my menstrual blood was dirty, and that a girl’s underwear is shameful, because these are the beliefs of the older generation. These beliefs are not specific to the people around me, but are common beliefs in my culture, particularly in my parent’s generation and among people who hold traditional beliefs. Yet I never questioned them or thought that they were suspect until I grew older and became more conscious as a person.

I thought this was the last of it, until I got married and became subjected to a new host of taboos and restrictions. After I got married, I became subjected to a never-ending pressure to have children, even though I had said that I had not decided if I wanted kids. Yet I would be fear mongered with stories of women who delayed having kids and subsequently regretted it when they couldn’t have them, suggesting that I would regret it if I didn’t have children. Subsequently, conversations when I was around would always involve some implicit nudge to have children. It was as if I was a human with no identify, no life, and no purpose, that my sole objective in life was to have kids, and that I had no worth as a woman if I didn’t have them.

It didn’t end there, for I began to get unsolicited advice on pregnancy from a close member of my family. While well-intended, I had not even decided if I wanted kids, yet I would be inundated with a long list of overly restrictive, archaic taboos, ranging from not using scissors to not eating bananas to not looking at animals, all with their own stories to back them up. I was drained by the end of the interaction, and I knew that this was the start of more to come if I were to actually be pregnant one day.

So when Ken and I decided to have kids, and I soon became pregnant, I knew that it was the best if (a) we didn’t share the news with anyone, and (b) we only shared the news with selected people when I was ready. Chinese moms-to-be tend to receive intense scrutiny as everyone floods them with endless restrictions on what not to do (many of them rooted in old wives’ tales), ranging from diet to daily actions to home renovations, and I just didn’t want to deal with them. These restrictions are very strictly enforced depending on how traditional your kin are, and not following them would cause you to be repetitively reminded, criticized, reprimanded, and fear mongered, eventually causing you to follow these “rules” out of (a) mental fatigue, (b) weariness of hearing the same thing over and over, and (c) guilt if anything were to happen to your baby.

Rather than deal with that, I felt that my priority should be to focus on what needed to be done to ensure a smooth and safe pregnancy, and to nurture my baby the best I could.

So for my entire pregnancy, we only shared the news with my dad, Ken’s parents, and later on with selected close friends toward the end of my term. Everyone else only knew post-birth. I didn’t share the news with my mom pre-birth as I had felt distanced from her in recent years, and I couldn’t trust her to keep the news to herself, something which my dad agreed with as well. (In the Chinese culture, people rapidly share news with everyone, and individual privacy is a poorly understood concept.)

For the whole time, I made sure to keep a low-profile, and kept social meetups to a minimum. This wasn’t that difficult as I’ve been living a low-key life for the past few years out of a desire for more privacy in my life.

My 9-Month Pregnancy Journey (Jul 2018 – Apr 2019)

Keeping my pregnancy a secret gave me a lot of mental relief, and the quiet space to focus on it. I spent most of my free time outside work reading articles, research studies, and pregnancy forums to learn about other moms’ experiences.

As I consume a vegan diet, I followed vegan pregnancy groups, on top of normal pregnancy groups, to get information pertaining to a vegan pregnancy.

After much research, I realized that I wanted a fully natural birth without drugs or unnecessary medical intervention, and found an excellent gynae to help me achieve that. Ken and I took a course to educate ourselves on birthing, breastfeeding, and baby care, and I did a lot of reading up online.

Food & Nutrition

Throughout my pregnancy, I ate a nutrient-dense vegan diet with a strong focus on fruits and vegetables.

I didn’t eat much during my first trimester due to nausea (mine started at Week 6 and lasted till Week 11), and suffered very bad bloating which only improved in the second trimester (it would return in my final trimester, though not as bad as during my first trimester). In total, I lost 2kg (4.4 lbs) during this time.

As I developed very bad acne during my pregnancy, I realized, through an elimination diet, that the best diet where I wouldn’t have acne is an oil-free, allergen-free, high-carb low-fat vegan diet. As almost every food sold today has some kind of oil or allergen (like soy), I had to learn to prepare my own meals (something that I hated doing in the past), and eventually developed simple recipes that I could adopt even on a busy schedule. I’d continue to eat this way post-birth, and I consider this one of my best rewards from my pregnancy (besides Baby A of course)!

My favorite morning snack: Vegan Banana and Berries Ice Cream Sorbet (made by blending frozen banana and mixed berries). I eat this along with whatever fruits I have for the day throughout the morning.

Lunch part 1: Steamed Potatoes, Brussel Sprouts, Asparagus (Vegan, no oil)

Lunch part 2: Quinoa salad with assorted veggies (Vegan, no oil). I also enjoy eating a big pot of cooked oats (not in picture).

One of my standard dinners: Tomato pasta with mushroom and spinach, plus pumpkin (Vegan, no oil)

Another dinner staple: Brown rice with lentil curry stew (Vegan, no oil)

Yet another dinner staple: Vegan risotto with peas, spinach, broccoli, and mushroom (Vegan, no oil)

Weight & Exercise

Throughout my nine-month term, I only gained 5 kg (11 lbs) despite eating a lot daily (!). If you consider that I lost 2 kg (4.4 lbs) during my first trimester, then I really gained 7 kg (15.4 lbs) baby-wise.

While I was initially very concerned as it was below the recommended weight gain of a typical pregnancy (12-15kg or 25-35 lbs), I later realized that this is simply a guideline and is not a target to hit if (a) you’re already eating healthy, (b) you’re not trying to lose weight, and (c) your baby is growing fine and everything is going well. The notion of “eating for two” is entirely false — based on NICE guidelines, a woman does not need to consume more calories in her first two trimesters, only an extra 200 calories per day in her last trimester,^{[1][2][3][4][5]} and it’s more important that she consumes quality food (via a nutrient-dense diet) vs. a high quantity of calories. 

I dropped to my pre-pregnancy weight on the day right after birth (57 kg or 126 lbs; I’m 1.7 m or 5′ 7″), and I credit this entirely to eating a very clean diet during my term.

As swimming is a great exercise for pregnant women, I swam twice weekly from my 5th month leading up to birth, for about 30-40 minutes each time.

Supplements

The only supplements I took were folate (a few weeks before I got pregnant and for the first four months of my term), B12, and Omega-3 EPA/DHA, of which the latter two I normally take as a vegan. I didn’t take any prenatals as (a) I would break out when doing so, even with fully organic and raw ones, and (b) unless you have a deficiency, prenatal vitamins are really unnecessary and it’s about eating a nutrient-dense diet instead.

I also did not take calcium supplements which are routinely given to pregnant women. If you research this, there is actually controversy surrounding calcium supplements, where researchers have found from analyzing 10 years of medical tests that taking calcium supplements may raise the risk of plaque buildup in arteries.^[7][8] Moreover, a study showed that women who consume their calcium from food have healthier bones than women whose calcium comes from supplemental tablets, even when the supplement takers have higher average calcium intake.^[9][10] Instead, I consumed my calcium through diet (leafy greens, vegetables, beans), which is the most reliable way to increase a body’s calcium intake.

Screening Tests

Ken and I knew Baby A’s gender (it’s a girl! ❤️🥳) by the end of Month 3 as we took the Harmony Test. Typically, parents only know their baby’s gender at the end of Month 5 when they do the 5-month scan. We didn’t have a gender preference to be honest, but if you were to make me pick a gender, I would have a slight preference for a girl, so I was pleasantly surprised and happy that Baby A turned out to be a girl. 🙂

Harmony Test is a test commonly offered from Weeks 10 to 14 to test for fetal abnormalities, with the option of knowing your baby’s gender. The other commonly offered test is the Oscar Test, though you can’t find out your baby’s gender through it. The Harmony Test has a 99.9% accuracy rate while the Oscar test has a 80% accuracy rate. The former is much more expensive, at 3-4 times the price of the latter (in general the Oscar Test starts from S$300 or US$200 while the Harmony Test starts from S$1,000 or US$700, though the prices can differ a lot from clinic to clinic).

As I read about parents who did the Oscar Test and had unnecessary scares due to false positives (after which they had to spend extra money to take the Harmony Test, plus spend weeks living in uncertainty), and I was 34 years old then (pregnancies over 35 tend to have more risks), we decided to take the Harmony Test to avoid guesswork and to know the gender in advance. All the results were normal, and it was a huge weight off my mind. ❤️

The other major screening we did was the 5-month anomaly scan, a standard mid-pregnancy scan to check your baby’s development and to scan for any growth abnormalities. Everything was normal as well, which was another huge weight off my mind. ❤️ My amniotic fluid index (AFI) was on the lower end of the normal range, so I started swimming regularly and drinking lots of water daily thereafter, which are instant ways to improve your AFI.^[11][12] I also had bilateral notching which my gynae said was not uncommon and was not something we should worry about after assessing my report, and everything did indeed progress normally and uneventfully in the end!

Throughout my pregnancy, I did not have gestational diabetes, blood pressure issues, or preeclampsia, which can be common in the third trimester, and I credit a large part of this to my diet. I also did not have Group B Strep which is routinely tested between Weeks 35 and 37.

Symptoms: Age Spots, Frequent Peeing, Round Ligament Pain

Besides nausea, bloating, and bad acne, another side effect I experienced was little bumps on my neck and a couple of pigmentations on my cheek which wouldn’t go away. In total, I had about 20 bumps on my neck by the time I gave birth. Moles also seemed to form very easily when I was in the sun, and were darker than usual. I later found out that these are normal pregnancy side effects due to hormone changes, and they faded or disappeared over a few months after I gave birth.

If you have a retroverted uterus like I do, you’ll experience frequent urination in your first trimester, where you have to wake up 2-3 times a night just to pee. This stops once your uterus flips forward by itself during your second trimester. Frequent urination (4-5 times a night) will return in your third trimester as your bump grows larger and presses on your bladder. 🤣

At Month 6, I started to experience a very sharp stabbing pain in the lower right side of my abdomen whenever Baby A stretched or kicked, and later my left side as well in Months 7-9. As Baby A is a very active baby, this happened very often, and it was so painful at times that I thought my uterus was going to burst!!! 😱

I later found out that it’s a normal symptom called round ligament pain.^[13] I would experience it sporadically after giving birth, particularly when turning in bed, and it disappeared after two months.

Other funny observations during my pregnancy were feeling Baby A’s hiccups (starting from Week 27 — she would hiccup a lot!), feeling her movements (starting from Month 4 — this became a few hundred times a day as she is very active!!), and feeling her punches and kicks. My pregnancy belly line (linea nigra) appeared on Week 25 and darkened over the next few months.

Also, I started snoring from Week 28 when I had never snored before in my entire life. 😑 This is apparently a common pregnancy symptom due swollen nasal passages from higher levels of estrogen.^[14] Because I’m a light sleeper, I would wake myself up with my first snore. 😑 This snoring only happened a few times and stopped after I gave birth.

While swelling and swollen feet (edema) are common pregnancy symptoms, I didn’t experience any of this, and I personally credit a large part of this to my diet.

Leading to Birth

When I was 9 months pregnant. This one was taken just two weeks before I gave birth!

My 9-month bump! 😊

Towards the end of my term, I became very tired. I could sleep for many hours and still feel tired in the day. My body would ache whenever I woke up, initially at my neck and back, and then later spreading to my body in the final two weeks. This would disappear 20-30 minutes after waking up. There were days when I literally felt like a 90-year-old in the morning! This is normal and due to the body producing relaxin, a hormone that loosens joints to prepare for delivery.^[15]

My bump “dropped” (known as lightening) in Week 35. During my third trimester, I had to wake up very frequently to go to the loo as my bump grew bigger and pressed on my bladder. It became quite tiring as I had to wake up 4-5 times per night in the final weeks while moving around with my big bump!

These were all normal and were signs that my body was preparing itself for birth, which would happen soon enough!!! 🤣 

Proceed to the next part where I share my birth story!

This is part 1 of my birth series, where I share my pregnancy journey and my birth story.

The post My Pregnancy Journey (And Why I Kept My Pregnancy A Secret) appeared first on Personal Excellence.