Month: October 2019

(Image: Joseph Pearson)

What is empathy? It is the ability to understand and share the feelings of another person. The ability to put yourself in other’s shoes, and try to relate and understand where they are coming from, even if the situation is not familiar to you.

Recently I was sharing a personal problem with a good friend from London. Not only did he respond right away, which I didn’t expect because it was late at night his time, but he gave very thoughtful remarks. There were several things he did/said that made me feel better:

• He asked questions to understand my situation further.
• He didn’t judge but understood things from my perspective.
• He considered things from various angles.
• He gave helpful suggestions on what could work.
• He constantly related to my feelings, which were unhappiness, hurt, and frustration, rather than dismiss or brush them away.

I later realized that he had woken up in the middle of the night, but had chosen to respond and engage in an hour-long conversation with me, rather than return to sleep. I later texted him, “Thanks X. I really appreciate having you as a friend. 🙂 “

How to Have Empathy

It goes without saying that empathy is important. I have shared personal problems with friends before but got replies that made me feel worse and regret sharing my problem. I have also made casual remarks that good friends picked up, which later turned into heartfelt conversations, because it created the opening for me to share.

When you have empathy for others, you help them feel better about themselves. You help others relieve their problems. You also strengthen your relationship with the person, because empathy is like a conduit that lets thoughts and emotions flow.

So how can you have empathy? Here are 8 tips to be empathetic to our friends, loved ones, colleagues and family.

1. Put yourself in the person’s shoes. It’s easy for us to make comments and judge. We can also say “This is no big deal” or “I don’t see why you feel this way” or “You’re over-reacting.” However, put yourself in the person’s shoes and walk a mile. Maybe they are undergoing great pain and difficulty. Maybe they are experiencing deep problems from other areas of their life. Maybe there are little issues that led them to behave this way. Without knowing the full details of a person’s problem, how can we make a conclusion? Imagine you are the person. Imagine going through this problem right now, and try to understand things from their perspective. This will allow you to connect with their emotions and perspective better.
2. Show care and concern. When someone tells you a personal problem, chances are he/she doesn’t feel well and needs your emotional support. Show care and concern. Ask, “How are you feeling?” to show concern. “Is there anything I can do for you?” is a great way to show support. If you are close friends, offering to talk on the phone or meet up, can make a big difference to them. If he/she is your partner, give him/her a hug and be there for him/her.
3. Acknowledge the person’s feelings. One of the biggest problems I find in communication is that many people don’t acknowledge the other person’s feelings. Acknowledging means to recognize the importance of something. So for example, someone says “I feel so frustrated with X.” Acknowledging this feeling means saying, “Why are you frustrated?” or “I’m sorry to hear that. What happened?”

   On the other hand, when you brush off or dismiss that emotion (e.g. “Relax,” “What’s the big deal?”), or you try to avoid the topic or say something irrelevant, you are not acknowledging — or respecting — their feelings. Think about emotions as the connecting point in a conversation. How you respond to an emotion is central to whether the person continues to share or closes off. When someone expresses an emotion, like “I’m sad,” “I’m angry,” or “I’m frustrated,” acknowledge the emotion. For example: “I’m so sorry that you are feeling this,” “This must be really frustrating,” or “What happened?”

4. Ask questions. Questions open a conversation. When someone gets the courage to share, especially a personal problem, asking questions encourages them to share more. Think about what the person said and ask meaningful questions.

   For example, say your friend confides to you that she just broke up with her long-term boyfriend. Asking questions like, “What happened?”, “Are you okay?” or “Why did you guys break up?” can help her open up. It also tells her that you want to hear more. On the other hand, giving nondescript remarks like, “I see, hope you can move on,” or “Breaking up is normal,” or “Rest well and take a break” are not only unhelpful, but shuts them from opening up further.

5. Mirror. A big conversation stopper is when someone types 10 paragraphs of text while you respond with one short line. Same when you respond to a deeply personal message with a mono-syllabic response, like “I see” or “Ok.” That’s because the person is being very open, while your response is closed off. You are not responding in resonance with the person.

   This is where mirroring comes in. Mirroring means to imitate someone’s nonverbal signals — gesture, speech pattern, or attitude  — to build rapport. In my opinion, NLP practitioners have made a bad rep out of mirroring. They teach people to replicate a person’s mannerisms from head to toe. But this misses the point — mirroring is about connecting authentically with others. The goal is not to “copy” someone’s mannerisms blindly, but to use it to build rapport.

   For example, if your friend shares a personal fact, reciprocate by sharing a personal fact of your own (if relevant). If they make eye contact, reciprocate by giving eye contact. If they look away, look away and give them some private space. Don’t copy every aspect of their body language without thought. Instead, adjust your behavior to match their’s in tone and vibe.

6. Don’t run ahead of the conversation. A big mistake I notice people making when someone is sharing a problem, is that they simply jump to the end point of the conversation.

   For example: Someone tells you he just got retrenched. You reply, “I see. Hope you can get a job soon.” What’s wrong with this? Firstly, the person just got retrenched, so he’s likely feeling hurt and depressed. The more empathetic thing to do is to understand how he is feeling first. Secondly, the person may be retrenched because the job market is bad. Saying “Hope you can get a job soon” can feel like you’re rubbing salt into a wound, because it reminds them of the uncertainty ahead.

   What will help is to (a) connect the person based on their current emotional state, and (b) move them forward with forwarding questions. In the retrenchment example, a good way to approach the conversation will be asking the following questions, in this order: “I’m so sorry to hear that. What happened?” → “How are you feeling now?” → “What are your plans?” → (and if he wants to look for a job soon) → “What kind of jobs are you looking for?” Insert other questions in between, depending on the exchange.

   Another example: Someone just ended a long-term relationship. Saying “Cheer up and be happy” right away is insensitive as it downplays the person’s pain. Instead, ask questions like “How are you feeling?”, “Are you okay?”, “What happened?”, or “Do you want to talk?” to move them out of their pain. While you may have good intentions in telling the person to be happy, it doesn’t help as you are not recognizing their pain. Put yourself in the person’s shoes and imagine how they feel (tip #1). Pace and match the person’s emotional state, rather than trying to rush the conversation to a specific end point.

7. Don’t judge. Judgment shuts off a conversation. This is the same for pre-judgement, which means forming a judgement on an issue (or person) before you have adequate information. For example, say your friend gets into an argument with her boss, and you assume she is in the wrong because her boss is a manager. Or say, your friend scored poorly for exams, and you assume that he didn’t study — even though there could be other reasons like family problems. The best way is not to pass judgment. Give the person the benefit of the doubt. Everyone is struggling to do their best in life, so why judge and bring someone down?
8. Show emotional support. Last but not least, give emotional support. This means, give them your trust and affirmation. Encourage them. Let them know that no matter what happens, you have their back. A supportive statement I often get is from my god-sister, which is: “Knowing you, you always consider things very carefully. So whatever happens, I will support you.” Sometimes, what people are looking for is not answers. It’s also not solutions. Sometimes, all people are looking for is empathy and support. That in this big world of strangers, filled with fear and uncertainty, that there is someone here to support them, without judgment or bias.

How can you apply the above to your relationships today? 🙂

Read:

• 10 Rules of a Great Conversationalist
• How to Have More Best Friends: My Heartfelt Guide
• How to Give Constructive Criticism: 6 Helpful Tips
• Disconnect

The post 8 Tips to Be Empathetic to Others appeared first on Personal Excellence.

“I find it a challenge to say no to people and often, I end up with too many commitments than I’m comfortable with. However, if I say no, I worry about them being unhappy or offended. Why do I feel this way? How can I learn to say no and not end up feeling bad about it or not offending the other person?” – Ruth

Do you hate saying no? Are you always saying yes to others at the expense of yourself?

I’ll admit it — I used to find it very hard to say no. Whenever someone approached me for something, be it to pick my brain or assist them on a personal project, I would say yes. Part of it was because I didn’t want to leave others in the lurch. Part of it was because I didn’t want to disappoint people. Another part was because I was afraid that the other person would be unhappy if I said no.

Over time though, I realized that saying yes came with its consequences. Because I kept saying yes to everyone, I would have little time for the things on my agenda. My days would be filled with things that others wanted from me, with little to no time for things of my own. I would regularly sacrifice my sleep just so that I could be there for everyone.

It wasn’t long before I became weighed down by the constant pressure to be there for everyone. I was utterly miserable, burnt out, and unhappy. My time was no longer my own — it was taken over by what others wanted from me.

Why It’s Important to Say No (And Why We Find It So Hard To Do So)

In an ideal world, we want to say yes to everyone, sure. But as you can see from my case, saying “yes” to everyone isn’t the way to go. You need to say no in order to

• Manage your time. In an ideal world where we have unlimited time, we could easily say yes to everything. But the reality is that we have limited time a day. In order to get things done, we need to say “no.”
• Set boundaries. When you don’t draw a line between your needs and others’ needs, people will assume that you should give by default. When you say no, you start to set boundaries and protect your personal space.
• Have time for your Quadrant 2 goals. Quadrant 2 goals are the most important goals in your life, such as finding your passion, starting your business, and building your relationships with your loved ones. Saying no is about protecting your Q2 goals and making sure that you have time for these goals.
• Be happy. When you say no, you control your time. You control what goes into your day. And you get back to being in the driver’s seat of your life.

Yet for many of us, we find it tough to say no. This can be due to reasons such as…

1. Fear of being rude. You are afraid that if you say no, you would be regarded as being rude. I was brought up thinking that saying no, especially to older people, is rude. This is especially so in the Asian culture where seniority is valued and disagreement is seen as defiance.
2. Desire to conform. You want to be a positive and well-liked person, so you say yes. You don’t want to be seen or labeled as difficult.
3. Fear of conflict. You are afraid the person may get unhappy if you reject him/her, which may lead to an ugly confrontation.
4. Afraid to burn bridges. Some people take “no” as a sign of rejection, and you’re afraid to burn bridges.
5. Fear of lost opportunities. You are worried that saying no means closing the door to new opportunities.
6. You want to help. Deep down, you want to help the person. So you say yes even though you really can’t afford the time.

Yet these are not real reasons to say no. Why do I say that?

• Saying no doesn’t mean that you’re being rude.
• Neither does it mean that you’re being disagreeable. Having an opinion is part of being an individual. If we say yes all the time to things that we don’t want to do, then we’ll be busy doing things that others want us to do, not things that we want to do.
• Saying no doesn’t mean creating conflict — it’s about asserting your needs and boundaries. If we don’t assert ourselves, people end up assuming that we are okay with something when we are not.
• Saying no also doesn’t mean a loss of opportunity. It’s more important to say yes to the right things and opportunities rather than to say yes to everything, including things that are irrelevant to you.
• Last but not least, when we keep helping others without regard for ourselves, we end up sacrificing our personal goals, our time with our loved ones, and our health. We need to first say yes to ourselves before we can be of service to the world.

Ultimately, it’s your right to say no. Every “yes” comes with its costs — the commitment, the time, and the effort to honor the request. While the cost may be small for each “yes,” little trickles of yes’es over a long time will eventually deviate you from your long-term goal.

How to Say “No”

When it comes to saying no, you want to achieve two aims: you want to say no effectively, and you want to say no tactfully. Here are my 7 tips to say no.

1. Be direct

It’s easier to say “no” right away rather than put it off (assuming that you already know that you want to say no). The longer you stall, the more complicated it becomes, because now you have the added pressure of explaining why you took so long to reply. Just be direct and get to the point.

As a general rule, when I find it hard to reject someone, I have a two-sentence rule to get it over and done with. Start off with a “Sorry, I can’t.” Then, give your reason in one sentence. (Or if you don’t want to give a reason, just end it there.) Limiting your rejection to two sentences makes the rejection easier, because rather than give some lengthy explanation about why you can’t do something, which makes you procrastinate saying no, you cut right to the chase. Even if you end up replying in 3-4 sentences or more, the 2-sentence rule helps you get started.

E.g.

• “I’m sorry, I can’t make it for this appointment.”
• “I’ll pass this round, sorry about that.”
• “This doesn’t meet my needs at the moment. Thanks for having me in mind!”
• “I’m tied down with something and won’t be able to do this.”

2. Be sincere

Often times we are afraid that if we say “no,” we’ll burn bridges. So we hum and haw and pretend to be okay and say yes. Or we relent and say yes after the person persists.

Here’s the thing — most people will accept your no when you are sincere in your rejection. No games, no gimmicks. Just plain raw honesty, for example, “I’m not free to meet for this period as I’m busy with [X]”, or “This isn’t what I’m looking for, sorry about that.” The people who care enough will understand, while those who take offense probably have unhealthy expectations to begin with.

Note that this tip only works for people who respect your personal space. If you’re dealing with persistent folks who don’t respect your space, then it’s better to just say no without giving too much information.

3. Focus on the request, not the person

One of the reasons I struggled with saying no in the past was that I didn’t want to reject the person. My mom wasn’t there for me when I was a child (in that she was emotionally vacant as a person), and that made me want to be there for others. However, as I shared above, saying yes to everyone caused me to burn out. I was downright miserable.

In learning to say no, I learned to focus on the request and not the person. This means that instead of feeling obligated to say yes because I was afraid to let the person down, I learned to look at the request and assess if it is a fit with my plans. Is this something I can realistically do? Is this something I can afford to do right now? In light of all the things on my to-do list, can I do this without compromising on my other to-dos?

If the answer is a “no,” then I’ll reject it. It’s not about the person. It’s nothing personal. It’s simply about the request itself, and the request simply isn’t something I can fulfill at the moment. When you review requests as they are, you objectively reject requests that are not compatible with you, vs. feeling bad for saying no when it’s simply a necessary step in your communication with the person.

4. Be positive

We’ve been taught to associate no with negativity, and that saying no will lead to conflict. But it is possible to say “no” and maintain a harmonious relationship. It’s about how you do it.

To start off, stop associating “no” with negativity. Realize that it’s part and parcel of human communication. When you see “no” as a bad thing (when it isn’t), this negative energy will inadvertently be expressed in your response (when it doesn’t have to be). There’s no need to feel bad, feel guilty, or worry about the other person’s feelings (excessively). This doesn’t mean that you should be tactless in your reply, but that you should not obsess over how others will feel.

Next, when saying “no,” explain your position calmly. Let the person know that you appreciate his/her invite/request but you can’t take it on due to [X]. Perhaps you have conflicting priorities, or you have something on, or you simply have no time. You would love to help or get involved if possible, but it’s not something you can afford to do now.

Even though you are rejecting the person’s request, keep the options open for the future. Let the person know that you can always reconnect down the road to meet, collaborate, discuss possibilities, etc.

5. Give an alternative

This is optional, but if you know of an alternative, share it. For example, if you know of someone who can help him/her, then share the contact (with the person’s permission of course). This should only be done if you happen to know an alternative, not to compensate for not saying yes.

6. Don’t make yourself responsible for others’ feelings

Part of the reason I resisted saying no in the past was that I didn’t want to make others feel bad. I felt like I was responsible for how others would feel, and I didn’t want others to be unhappy.

The result was that I would bend over backward just to make others happy. I spent countless late nights catching up on work as I put others’ needs before myself and only had time for my own stuff at night. This was terrible for my health and well-being.

At some point, we need to draw a line between helping others and helping ourselves. To be of service to others, we need to prioritize our own health and happiness. Don’t make yourself responsible for others’ feelings, especially if they are going to respond negatively to your “no’s.” If the person accepts your “no,” great; if not, then that’s too bad. Do what you can, and then move on if it’s beyond what you can offer… which leads me to point #7.

7. Be ready to let go

If the person is disrespectful of your needs and expects that you should always say yes, then you might want to re-evaluate this relationship.

Too often we are taught to maintain harmony at all costs, which is why we dislike saying no — we don’t want to create conflict. But when a relationship is draining you; when the other party takes you for granted and the dynamics of the relationship is skewed in the person’s favor, then you have to ask yourself if this connection is what you want. A healthy relationship is one where both parties support each other. It’s not one where one party is constantly giving and giving, while the other person keeps asking and taking.

When I evaluate the relationships that drain me, I realize that they are the relationships where I’m not my real self, where I’m expected to say yes and the other party gets unhappy if I say no. For such relationships, the other person is unhappy as long as there’s a “no” — it doesn’t matter how the “no” is said as the person simply expects a “yes.”

If you’re dealing with such a person, then the question to you is, is this relationship worth keeping? If no, then it’s simple — simply let go of it. If this is an important relationship to you, then let the person know about this issue. It’s possible that they are not aware of what they are doing and an open, honest conversation will open their eyes to it.

So instead of worrying about saying no all the time with this person, which isn’t the real problem, you address the root of the issue — that you’re in a connection where you’re expected to be a giver. Perhaps in the process of doing this, you strengthen your relationship together. Because now you can be openly honest with him/her and say yes or no as you desire, without feeling any guilt, fear, or hesitation — which is what saying no should be about.

Check out related resources:

• Keep Your End Objective In Mind
• Quitting To Win
• How to Say No [Manifesto]
• How to Say No [Podcast]
• How to Be Assertive Without Being Aggressive

The post How to Say No: The Definitive Guide appeared first on Personal Excellence.

“Hi Celes, may I ask, how would you know if a relationship is worth saving and how would you know if it’s going nowhere? Thank you so much.” – Drizzle 🙂

Are you at a relationship crossroads? Are you wondering if your relationship with your significant other is worth saving or if it’s going nowhere?

We’ve all been there — a stage where you wonder if this relationship is right for you, whether you should fight for it or give up. When you’re constantly fighting with your SO or when you’re trying so hard to make things work out, it’s normal to doubt yourself and wonder if there is a future in this union.

While every relationship is different, here are 7 signs that your relationship is worth saving.

1) Your partner is trying to make things work

(Image: Everton Vila)

This is the number one sign you need to look for — that your partner is trying to make things work. A relationship can’t thrive if only one half of the union is doing the work. If you’re the only person who has been trying, who has been showing up for therapy, and who has been doing the work, then clearly something is wrong. Your partner needs to be on board in healing the relationship, otherwise there is no relationship to speak of.

I have a friend who used to be in a toxic relationship, and one of the clear signs that the relationship was not worth saving was the fact that her boyfriend never put in the effort to make things work. She was always the one trying to salvage the relationship while her boyfriend did nothing. If that’s you, consider if this is the kind of person you want to be with. You want to be with someone who genuinely cares for you and puts in the effort to make things work, not someone who doesn’t even blink an eye when the relationship is failing.

2) You still feel love for each other

(Image: NeONBRAND)

It’s easy to suggest breaking up when you’re in the middle of an argument. But ask yourself: Do you still love him/her? And does he/she love you?

If the answer is “yes” to both, then perhaps the relationship is worth saving. It’s not easy to find a relationship where the love is still there after all the struggles. Sometimes there is love at the start but it fizzles out. Sometimes there was never love from the start. If both of you still deeply love each other, cherish this love and give your relationship another chance.

3) You share similar values

Do you share the same values? For example, do you have a common long-term vision? Do you value the same things? Do you have the same philosophy and belief in a lot of things?

Even though you may have your differences — and that’s normal as part of any relationship — what determines the long-term potential of a relationship is whether you share the same values. When you have the same core values as your partner, you have common ground to build your future on and to build a strong, steady relationship. What you’re going through now may just be a temporary blip and if you manage to work through this problem now, you may well end up with a stronger relationship than ever.

4) There is no one else like him/her

(Image: zentilia)

You’ve met many people and there is simply no one else like him/her. Despite your differences, when you stop to think, your partner has many good things about him/her. He/she has many good qualities that you value and adore. He/she is a perfect match with you in many ways. He/she is unlike anyone you have ever met. If you let him/her go, you’re not sure if you can ever meet someone like him/her again because he/she is one in a million.

5) There is remorse for wrongdoings

(Image: Riccardo Mion)

Maybe your partner did you wrong. Maybe he/she lied, lost his/her temper, or was unreasonable in his/her behavior. Maybe he/she cheated and saw someone behind your back.

If there is any wrongdoing, maintain a clear head and assess the situation. Firstly, is this a mistake you can forgive? Next, has he/she shown remorse for his/her behavior? Lastly, is he/she doing anything about the issue? 

Different people have different thresholds on what they can accept, and you should never stay with someone if he/she did something that you cannot forgive. But if (a) your partner is remorseful and is taking active steps about the issue, and (b) this mistake is something you can forgive, then consider giving him/her a chance. If the issue recurs, give your partner an ultimatum and let him/her know that you cannot be together if this issue persists. Give him/her a timeline to work on this issue and assess if things have improved sufficiently by the end of it.

If you’re dealing with deep-seated problems like abuse or anger management issues, seek professional help right away. Don’t attempt to deal with it alone. No matter how much you love your partner, you must always protect and take care of yourself first. Help him/her by first removing yourself from the situation, and then seek professional help. To save the relationship, you need to work on the roots of the problem.

6) You’ve been through a lot together

(Image: Alex Iby)

Having a shared history shouldn’t be the only reason to stay together, but it is a reason to save the relationship. After all, if both of you have been through a lot in the past, chances are you have a strong understanding of each other’s likes and dislikes, how each other thinks, and how to best support each other. Such camaraderie is difficult to find without going through the same hurdles together with someone. If you and your partner have a strong history together, consider if you want to give this relationship another go.

7) Things have been improving, even if slowly

When all you do is argue non-stop with your partner, it’s easy to feel that all is lost and this relationship is a goner.

But take a step back and ask yourself: Have things been improving? Compared to when things were at their worst, have things been improving? Has your partner been listening to your feedback? Is he/she working on the issues between the both of you?

Maybe your partner has a lot of problems and it’s overwhelming you. But if things are improving, even if slowly, then consider giving him/her a chance. Sometimes things may not improve at the speed that you want, but that doesn’t mean that all is lost. Focus on the overall trajectory of the relationship instead.

What if you don’t meet the signs above?

If you don’t meet the signs above, not all is lost. These signs are really meant as a general guide. Ask yourself: Do you love your partner? Is this a relationship worth fighting for? Have you had many good moments together? If so, maybe you want to give your relationship another shot.

If your partner hasn’t been trying and if he/she keeps taking you for granted, then let go — you’re better off with someone who truly appreciates you. Check out my other article Top 12 Signs It’s Time To Move On From A Relationship.

The post How To Know If A Relationship Is Worth Saving appeared first on Personal Excellence.

Some of you may have noticed that updates at PE have been slow of late. There have been lots that I want to share, but I haven’t had the chance to share them as I’ve been waiting for the right time to do so.

Today, I want to announce the birth of my baby girl, Baby A. 🙂

Born with the entire water bag intact (also known as an en-caul birth) on April 18, Baby A is now almost 4 months old. 🙂 Between exclusive breastfeeding and taking on the new duties of motherhood, I haven’t had time to take a breather, but I hope to get back to updating PE and letting you guys in on what’s been going on in my life soon.

I look forward to sharing more in time to come, but in the meantime, just wanted to do this quick post to let you guys in on what’s been going on in my life. 🙂 If you have any questions, or anything you want me to answer on PE, let me know!

Update (Sep 2019): I’ve since updated the blog sharing my pregnancy journey and birth story:

• My Pregnancy Journey (And Why I Kept My Pregnancy A Secret)
• My Birth Story: Birth of Baby A!

The post Birth appeared first on Personal Excellence.

This is part 1 of my birth series, where I share my pregnancy journey and my birth story.

Hi everyone! Five months ago, I gave birth to Baby A. 🙂 Some of you may have wondered if you had missed my announcement on my pregnancy. The truth is, I didn’t post about my pregnancy anywhere, choosing to keep the news a secret. In total, I only shared the news with less than five people (including my husband), and a select group of close friends when I was getting close to birth.

Why I Kept My Pregnancy A Secret

The start of our pregnancy journey (July 2018)

The reason was that I simply wanted the personal space to focus on my pregnancy. For a while, I had been feeling boxed in by my culture. From the invisible pressure to have children, to the endless taboos and practices, I felt trapped by the many expectations of my culture, many of which are rooted in outdated beliefs and practices. The issue isn’t that they are tradition, but that many of these beliefs are not compatible with who I am, yet they are constantly forced onto me without regard of my wishes.

So since I was born, I was constantly told to shut up by my mom, who said that children should be “seen, not heard,” and that children “know nothing” — both of which are common beliefs in the traditional Chinese culture. As a girl, I was made to believe that my menstrual blood was dirty, and that a girl’s underwear is shameful, because these are the beliefs of the older generation. These beliefs are not specific to the people around me, but are common beliefs in my culture, particularly in my parent’s generation and among people who hold traditional beliefs. Yet I never questioned them or thought that they were suspect until I grew older and became more conscious as a person.

I thought this was the last of it, until I got married and became subjected to a new host of taboos and restrictions. After I got married, I became subjected to a never-ending pressure to have children, even though I had said that I had not decided if I wanted kids. Yet I would be fear mongered with stories of women who delayed having kids and subsequently regretted it when they couldn’t have them, suggesting that I would regret it if I didn’t have children. Subsequently, conversations when I was around would always involve some implicit nudge to have children. It was as if I was a human with no identify, no life, and no purpose, that my sole objective in life was to have kids, and that I had no worth as a woman if I didn’t have them.

It didn’t end there, for I began to get unsolicited advice on pregnancy from a close member of my family. While well-intended, I had not even decided if I wanted kids, yet I would be inundated with a long list of overly restrictive, archaic taboos, ranging from not using scissors to not eating bananas to not looking at animals, all with their own stories to back them up. I was drained by the end of the interaction, and I knew that this was the start of more to come if I were to actually be pregnant one day.

So when Ken and I decided to have kids, and I soon became pregnant, I knew that it was the best if (a) we didn’t share the news with anyone, and (b) we only shared the news with selected people when I was ready. Chinese moms-to-be tend to receive intense scrutiny as everyone floods them with endless restrictions on what not to do (many of them rooted in old wives’ tales), ranging from diet to daily actions to home renovations, and I just didn’t want to deal with them. These restrictions are very strictly enforced depending on how traditional your kin are, and not following them would cause you to be repetitively reminded, criticized, reprimanded, and fear mongered, eventually causing you to follow these “rules” out of (a) mental fatigue, (b) weariness of hearing the same thing over and over, and (c) guilt if anything were to happen to your baby.

Rather than deal with that, I felt that my priority should be to focus on what needed to be done to ensure a smooth and safe pregnancy, and to nurture my baby the best I could.

So for my entire pregnancy, we only shared the news with my dad, Ken’s parents, and later on with selected close friends toward the end of my term. Everyone else only knew post-birth. I didn’t share the news with my mom pre-birth as I had felt distanced from her in recent years, and I couldn’t trust her to keep the news to herself, something which my dad agreed with as well. (In the Chinese culture, people rapidly share news with everyone, and individual privacy is a poorly understood concept.)

For the whole time, I made sure to keep a low-profile, and kept social meetups to a minimum. This wasn’t that difficult as I’ve been living a low-key life for the past few years out of a desire for more privacy in my life.

My 9-Month Pregnancy Journey (Jul 2018 – Apr 2019)

Keeping my pregnancy a secret gave me a lot of mental relief, and the quiet space to focus on it. I spent most of my free time outside work reading articles, research studies, and pregnancy forums to learn about other moms’ experiences.

As I consume a vegan diet, I followed vegan pregnancy groups, on top of normal pregnancy groups, to get information pertaining to a vegan pregnancy.

After much research, I realized that I wanted a fully natural birth without drugs or unnecessary medical intervention, and found an excellent gynae to help me achieve that. Ken and I took a course to educate ourselves on birthing, breastfeeding, and baby care, and I did a lot of reading up online.

Food & Nutrition

Throughout my pregnancy, I ate a nutrient-dense vegan diet with a strong focus on fruits and vegetables.

I didn’t eat much during my first trimester due to nausea (mine started at Week 6 and lasted till Week 11), and suffered very bad bloating which only improved in the second trimester (it would return in my final trimester, though not as bad as during my first trimester). In total, I lost 2kg (4.4 lbs) during this time.

As I developed very bad acne during my pregnancy, I realized, through an elimination diet, that the best diet where I wouldn’t have acne is an oil-free, allergen-free, high-carb low-fat vegan diet. As almost every food sold today has some kind of oil or allergen (like soy), I had to learn to prepare my own meals (something that I hated doing in the past), and eventually developed simple recipes that I could adopt even on a busy schedule. I’d continue to eat this way post-birth, and I consider this one of my best rewards from my pregnancy (besides Baby A of course)!

My favorite morning snack: Vegan Banana and Berries Ice Cream Sorbet (made by blending frozen banana and mixed berries). I eat this along with whatever fruits I have for the day throughout the morning.

Lunch part 1: Steamed Potatoes, Brussel Sprouts, Asparagus (Vegan, no oil)

Lunch part 2: Quinoa salad with assorted veggies (Vegan, no oil). I also enjoy eating a big pot of cooked oats (not in picture).

One of my standard dinners: Tomato pasta with mushroom and spinach, plus pumpkin (Vegan, no oil)

Another dinner staple: Brown rice with lentil curry stew (Vegan, no oil)

Yet another dinner staple: Vegan risotto with peas, spinach, broccoli, and mushroom (Vegan, no oil)

Weight & Exercise

Throughout my nine-month term, I only gained 5 kg (11 lbs) despite eating a lot daily (!). If you consider that I lost 2 kg (4.4 lbs) during my first trimester, then I really gained 7 kg (15.4 lbs) baby-wise.

While I was initially very concerned as it was below the recommended weight gain of a typical pregnancy (12-15kg or 25-35 lbs), I later realized that this is simply a guideline and is not a target to hit if (a) you’re already eating healthy, (b) you’re not trying to lose weight, and (c) your baby is growing fine and everything is going well. The notion of “eating for two” is entirely false — based on NICE guidelines, a woman does not need to consume more calories in her first two trimesters, only an extra 200 calories per day in her last trimester,^{[1][2][3][4][5]} and it’s more important that she consumes quality food (via a nutrient-dense diet) vs. a high quantity of calories. 

I dropped to my pre-pregnancy weight on the day right after birth (57 kg or 126 lbs; I’m 1.7 m or 5′ 7″), and I credit this entirely to eating a very clean diet during my term.

As swimming is a great exercise for pregnant women, I swam twice weekly from my 5th month leading up to birth, for about 30-40 minutes each time.

Supplements

The only supplements I took were folate (a few weeks before I got pregnant and for the first four months of my term), B12, and Omega-3 EPA/DHA, of which the latter two I normally take as a vegan. I didn’t take any prenatals as (a) I would break out when doing so, even with fully organic and raw ones, and (b) unless you have a deficiency, prenatal vitamins are really unnecessary and it’s about eating a nutrient-dense diet instead.

I also did not take calcium supplements which are routinely given to pregnant women. If you research this, there is actually controversy surrounding calcium supplements, where researchers have found from analyzing 10 years of medical tests that taking calcium supplements may raise the risk of plaque buildup in arteries.^[7][8] Moreover, a study showed that women who consume their calcium from food have healthier bones than women whose calcium comes from supplemental tablets, even when the supplement takers have higher average calcium intake.^[9][10] Instead, I consumed my calcium through diet (leafy greens, vegetables, beans), which is the most reliable way to increase a body’s calcium intake.

Screening Tests

Ken and I knew Baby A’s gender (it’s a girl! ❤️🥳) by the end of Month 3 as we took the Harmony Test. Typically, parents only know their baby’s gender at the end of Month 5 when they do the 5-month scan. We didn’t have a gender preference to be honest, but if you were to make me pick a gender, I would have a slight preference for a girl, so I was pleasantly surprised and happy that Baby A turned out to be a girl. 🙂

Harmony Test is a test commonly offered from Weeks 10 to 14 to test for fetal abnormalities, with the option of knowing your baby’s gender. The other commonly offered test is the Oscar Test, though you can’t find out your baby’s gender through it. The Harmony Test has a 99.9% accuracy rate while the Oscar test has a 80% accuracy rate. The former is much more expensive, at 3-4 times the price of the latter (in general the Oscar Test starts from S$300 or US$200 while the Harmony Test starts from S$1,000 or US$700, though the prices can differ a lot from clinic to clinic).

As I read about parents who did the Oscar Test and had unnecessary scares due to false positives (after which they had to spend extra money to take the Harmony Test, plus spend weeks living in uncertainty), and I was 34 years old then (pregnancies over 35 tend to have more risks), we decided to take the Harmony Test to avoid guesswork and to know the gender in advance. All the results were normal, and it was a huge weight off my mind. ❤️

The other major screening we did was the 5-month anomaly scan, a standard mid-pregnancy scan to check your baby’s development and to scan for any growth abnormalities. Everything was normal as well, which was another huge weight off my mind. ❤️ My amniotic fluid index (AFI) was on the lower end of the normal range, so I started swimming regularly and drinking lots of water daily thereafter, which are instant ways to improve your AFI.^[11][12] I also had bilateral notching which my gynae said was not uncommon and was not something we should worry about after assessing my report, and everything did indeed progress normally and uneventfully in the end!

Throughout my pregnancy, I did not have gestational diabetes, blood pressure issues, or preeclampsia, which can be common in the third trimester, and I credit a large part of this to my diet. I also did not have Group B Strep which is routinely tested between Weeks 35 and 37.

Symptoms: Age Spots, Frequent Peeing, Round Ligament Pain

Besides nausea, bloating, and bad acne, another side effect I experienced was little bumps on my neck and a couple of pigmentations on my cheek which wouldn’t go away. In total, I had about 20 bumps on my neck by the time I gave birth. Moles also seemed to form very easily when I was in the sun, and were darker than usual. I later found out that these are normal pregnancy side effects due to hormone changes, and they faded or disappeared over a few months after I gave birth.

If you have a retroverted uterus like I do, you’ll experience frequent urination in your first trimester, where you have to wake up 2-3 times a night just to pee. This stops once your uterus flips forward by itself during your second trimester. Frequent urination (4-5 times a night) will return in your third trimester as your bump grows larger and presses on your bladder. 🤣

At Month 6, I started to experience a very sharp stabbing pain in the lower right side of my abdomen whenever Baby A stretched or kicked, and later my left side as well in Months 7-9. As Baby A is a very active baby, this happened very often, and it was so painful at times that I thought my uterus was going to burst!!! 😱

I later found out that it’s a normal symptom called round ligament pain.^[13] I would experience it sporadically after giving birth, particularly when turning in bed, and it disappeared after two months.

Other funny observations during my pregnancy were feeling Baby A’s hiccups (starting from Week 27 — she would hiccup a lot!), feeling her movements (starting from Month 4 — this became a few hundred times a day as she is very active!!), and feeling her punches and kicks. My pregnancy belly line (linea nigra) appeared on Week 25 and darkened over the next few months.

Also, I started snoring from Week 28 when I had never snored before in my entire life. 😑 This is apparently a common pregnancy symptom due swollen nasal passages from higher levels of estrogen.^[14] Because I’m a light sleeper, I would wake myself up with my first snore. 😑 This snoring only happened a few times and stopped after I gave birth.

While swelling and swollen feet (edema) are common pregnancy symptoms, I didn’t experience any of this, and I personally credit a large part of this to my diet.

Leading to Birth

When I was 9 months pregnant. This one was taken just two weeks before I gave birth!

My 9-month bump! 😊

Towards the end of my term, I became very tired. I could sleep for many hours and still feel tired in the day. My body would ache whenever I woke up, initially at my neck and back, and then later spreading to my body in the final two weeks. This would disappear 20-30 minutes after waking up. There were days when I literally felt like a 90-year-old in the morning! This is normal and due to the body producing relaxin, a hormone that loosens joints to prepare for delivery.^[15]

My bump “dropped” (known as lightening) in Week 35. During my third trimester, I had to wake up very frequently to go to the loo as my bump grew bigger and pressed on my bladder. It became quite tiring as I had to wake up 4-5 times per night in the final weeks while moving around with my big bump!

These were all normal and were signs that my body was preparing itself for birth, which would happen soon enough!!! 🤣 

Proceed to the next part where I share my birth story!

This is part 1 of my birth series, where I share my pregnancy journey and my birth story.

The post My Pregnancy Journey (And Why I Kept My Pregnancy A Secret) appeared first on Personal Excellence.

This is part 2 of my birth series, where I share my pregnancy journey and my birth story. If you’ve not read part 1 yet, you can do so here: My Pregnancy Journey (And Why I Kept My Pregnancy A Secret)

Right when I was approaching 37 weeks, on April 16, at about 10-11pm, I experienced my first contraction. 😅

While a full-term baby can arrive anytime from 37 weeks, we were only expecting Baby A to arrive starting from Week 38 since most moms give birth in Weeks 40-41. As I had not experienced any Braxton Hicks to date, I thought that it could be Braxton Hicks, but suspected that they were real labor pains when they refused to go away! 🤣

On April 17, as my contractions became more frequent from once every 1-1.5 hours to every 10-20 minutes by late afternoon, I went about the day as per normal with Ken: first to our routine gynae checkup, then final shopping for birth items, then meeting our agent to sign the cord blood banking contract for Baby A, and then finally dinner.

Throughout the day, I kept moving my bowels, which I knew was a pre-labor sign. (In total, I moved my bowels 7 times each on April 16 and April 17, and 3 times on April 18!)

At about 11+pm, as Ken and I were watching Maleficent on his laptop, my contractions started to get quite uncomfortable, after which I said that I wanted to rest.

April 18, 2019 – THE Day!

At 1am, as it became undeniable that these weren’t Braxton Hicks, I told Ken to pack the hospital bag as I was very sure that Baby A was coming today. He immediately jumped into action while hiding his excitement and nervousness. 🤣

I then labored by myself in the bedroom, using different laboring positions. I found standing while using my bed as my support, and sitting on the toilet, to be most helpful for me. I used a contraction app to monitor my contractions, and as the night went on, they progressed from once every 10 minutes to every 4-5 minutes. 

Knowing that hospitals tend to time moms once they admit into the hospital and intervene in the natural birth process when they don’t hit the dilation target of 1cm per hour (which is actually an outdated guideline), I made sure to wait until I was well into labor before we set off.

At 5am, as my contractions became 2-3 minutes apart, I told Ken, “This is it, it’s time for us to go!”

At the lift, before we set off!

Reaching the hospital (2-3cm)

After what felt like eternity (even though it was a short cab ride), we reached the hospital. Ken did the check-in while I was directed to the delivery room.

At this point, I was 2-3cm dilated. 10cm is the point where the baby gets delivered. I was offered the epidural but refused as I wanted a drug-free birth.

The delivery room, where things are about to happen!

A quick shot before things get serious

The nurse then read my birth plan, which was basically an outline of my preferences for a natural birth (no enema, no epidural, no episiotomy, etc.).

I was then strapped to the CTG machine, which the nurse said would only be for 30 minutes as my doctor had approved my request for intermittent CTG monitoring so that I could labor freely in different positions. Being strapped to the machine meant that I could only lie flat on my back, and I noticed my contractions, which were initially coming quickly at every 2-3 minutes, began to slow down to every 5-10 minutes, something which I already knew would happen as lying flat on your back is one of the worst ways to labor.

Reaching 4-5cm

When the nurse did not return after 30 minutes, we decided to call her back in to remind her to unstrap me as my contractions felt much worse on my back. This time, she wanted me to be on the machine for another 20 minutes, which frustrated me as my readings were normal.

The nurse finally unstrapped me when we called her back in 20 minutes later. I jumped right back to a standing position, swaying while using the hospital bed as my support, with Ken supporting me by my side.

My contractions soon returned back to their 2-3 minute frequency, becoming stronger and more intense. Soon, they were spreading from my abdomen to my lower back. My entire lower back became very, very achy, and we had to keep rubbing it in-between contractions to ease the ache.

Forty minutes after I was unstrapped, I had my bloody show, an indication that labor was imminent (warning: graphic image below). 

My bloody show! (I’d subsequently have another round of this before I give birth)

One hour after my bloody show, I asked the nurse to do a cervix check. I had reached 4-5cm dilation! By then, I was feeling quite exhausted, and wondered how much longer it would take.

Back onto the CTG machine

At this point, the same nurse wanted to strap me down with the CTG machine again. While she said that it would only be for 30 minutes, she again did not return after 30 minutes, which annoyed me as my contractions were getting extremely strong at this point. They were also significantly more painful lying flat than in other positions.

After 45-50 minutes, we called her back in to get me off the machine. When the nurse refused to take me off even though my vitals were completely normal, and she also refused my request to do another cervix check even though I suspected that I was getting near delivery, I began to get irritated with this nurse, who was quite condescending in her tone. I felt trapped, like I was hindered rather than being supported in my birth. I knew that my labor was going to stall if I continued lying down, and I didn’t want that to happen.

Reaching 10cm and Feeling My Waterbag

At this juncture, I requested to go to the loo, where I labored by myself in privacy. For the next 20-25 minutes, my contractions quickly increased in intensity, to the point of being excruciating. I also felt a huge weight descending near my rectum area, as if I was moving an extremely large poop.

After a huge, extremely intense contraction, I reached below and felt a bouncy surface. My first thought was, Wait, is this my waterbag?!?! …And if this is my waterbag, does that mean that Baby A’s head is just beyond my fingers???? I quickly called Ken in to take a look, and he immediately called for the nurse.

This time, a different, much nicer nurse came in (the previous one had ended her shift).

“We think we can see the waterbag???” Ken exclaimed.

The nurse quickly took a look and said, “Mdm, I need you to get out of the bathroom now!!”

Delivering Baby A!!!

Everything from the 10cm mark was a blur. Once the nurse (the nice one) saw my waterbag, she started shouting at me to get out of the bathroom (LOL!!). 🤣

She got me back on the bed where she quickly did a cervix check and said, “Congratulations Mdm, you’ve reached 10cm dilation — you are now ready to give birth!!!”, which was like music to my ears. In my mind, I was like, Yes, I’ve been waiting for this moment!!!

(Image: Giphy)

They quickly set up the bed for me to labor on it (I used the hands and knees position, using the headboard as my support), pressed the emergency call button for my doctor, and prepared the necessary labor equipment.

Reaching the 10cm mark, the contractions (they call them “surges” in hypnobirthing) were excruciating. It’s the kind of pain where your brain goes numb because all your nerves are flooded with pain, and there’s nothing you can do but to surrender to it. The redeeming factor is that you aren’t in pain the whole time as there is a gap in between contractions to recover, though this gap gets very short toward the end.

My contractions were about a minute long at this point and were coming fast and furious (about 30-40 seconds apart), and they would come even faster (about 20-30 seconds apart) as I entered into full-on birthing mode.

With each contraction, I would focus on breathing down my baby (vs. pushing which is actually not something we need to do). And with each increase in pain, I kept on going, knowing that (a) this pain was fully normal, and (b) I was getting closer to my baby.

After 10 minutes, I reached a point where it was excruciatingly painful — it felt like someone was trying to pry open my vaginal canal with all their might using their fingers, except that no one was doing that!

This was when I realized, Wait, this must be the “Ring of Fire!!!”, which gave me new-found energy to go on!!

My doctor entered the room at this point, minutes before I gave birth. I soon heard Baby A’s crying, and the nurses quickly passed her to me for skin-to-skin and breastfeeding. 😊

Baby A was born encased in my waterbag, a phenomenon known as an en-caul birth and apparently happens in less than 1 of 80,000 births. It is considered good luck in many cultures, and I hope this means Baby A will be blessed with lots of good luck in her life! 🙂

In total, it took me just 1.5 hours to reach from 4-5cm to 10cm dilation, and I feel that this was possible because of all the research and preparatory work I had done leading to my delivery. My labor would have easily stalled if I had simply followed the typical processes administered to me, and if I hadn’t stood up for myself (and with Ken’s help) when I did.

My placenta was delivered a few minutes later. I would breastfed Baby A for an hour in the delivery suite before she was weighed/measured, and we were wheeled into our hospital ward for recovery. ❤️

The start of our pregnancy journey 🙂 (July 2018)

Midway through our pregnancy, at Tokyo Narita Airport en-route to US, Atlanta (I was with Ken on a work trip). I was five months pregnant here!

My 5-month bump. Baby A basking in the sun! 😊

My 9-month bump 😊

Right after she was born: Skin-to-skin and breastfeeding ❤️

At the hospital ward

A few hours old 🙂

Hello 🙂

1 week old

2 weeks old

1 month old

2 months old 🙂

3 months old

Taking a peep 🙂

4 months old ❤️

So Far (Sep 2019, 5 Months Post-Birth)

For the same reason as why I kept my pregnancy a secret, we didn’t share the news of Baby A’s birth until after we were discharged. As much as others were excited to see a new baby, I felt that our priority should be to focus on our role as first-time parents, not to deal with guests. This allowed us to really familiarize ourselves with Baby A’s needs, and we only started having guests at the end of her first month.

As we didn’t have help (we didn’t hire a confinement nanny as I didn’t want to deal with more taboos and we didn’t want a stranger in the house, and we don’t have a helper), Ken took six weeks of leave and we jumped onto the vertical learning curve and a crazy roller coaster ride right after Baby A’s birth. It was truly tough managing between exclusive breastfeeding without help, taking care of a baby as first-time parents, post-birth recovery, along with housework, but somehow we survived. 😅

It’s been 5 months so far, and it has been an extremely tiring yet rewarding journey. Tiring because Ken and I have to work while taking care of Baby A, and we don’t have help, and I’m exclusively breastfeeding which makes it extra tough as I’ve to be with her at all times for her feeds (I’m latching rather than pumping). We also had to move house when Baby A was 2-3 months old, so we had to look for a new place, pack everything, and then unpack everything in our new home, and it was pretty insane how we managed this while taking care of a newborn. Nightimes are crazy due to multiple night wakings, ranging from 4-6 times (usual) to over 10 times a night (sometimes). We refuse to sleep train and we know that sleeping through the night is a developmental milestone that she’ll hit at some point. ❤️

While it’s tough, I’m happily doing all of this (even if it’s extremely tiring sometimes 🤣). I enjoy each day that I spend with Baby A, along with her little quirks (she loves to clutch her little hands together), her smiles (she has a cute little dimple on her right cheek at the same place as mine), and her laughter. I love latching her, watching her grow, and seeing her little drunken smile after her feeds. She’s the sweetest baby and she loves interacting with us, along with smiling and laughing. Ken and I celebrate each time she achieves a new milestone (she just started rolling over a few weeks ago, and now she’s beginning to crawl!). Severe sleep deprivation is definitely an issue, but somehow you just have to roll with it and move on.​

Right now, my biggest challenge is getting uninterrupted time to work, since most of my time is spent on baby care. Ken has been working part time for the past few months so that we can take care of Baby A together, but even then it is tough as we are both working and we take turns to care for her throughout the day. In the rare moments of free time that I have, it’s to quickly poo/pee, prepare my meals, shower, wash the dishes, buy groceries online, and research stuff related to Baby A, and there is usually little to no time left for work. Running live courses is not possible for the moment since I need a stretch of uninterrupted time (3-4 hours) for each live session (plus months to prepare my content), and neither are podcasts as I ideally want 4-5 hours of uninterrupted time to edit my episodes. So I’ll probably be focusing on article writing for the time being, and I hope that all of you guys will be patient with me as I find a way to get back to creating regular content at PE.

With papa ❤️

With mama ❤️ 🙂

To Pregnant Moms-To-Be

If you’re pregnant or are planning to get pregnant, know that this is your pregnancy, and it’s up to you to do what’s best for you and your baby. There will be many people who will try to tell you what to do, usually out of good intention, but this advice may not be correct or useful. Educate yourself so you can make the best decision for yourself. Block out naysayers if that’s what you have to do to protect yourself.

Know that your baby’s birth is the start of a long journey ahead — once he/she is born, you will be on a never-ending cycle of feeding the baby, changing diapers, baby bathing, wiping drool, and easing baby to sleep for a few years, unless you’re lucky enough to have a helper. Taking care of your baby will be an around-the-clock event, at least until he/she sleeps through the night (which can happen anywhere from a few months old (rare) to three years old). If you’re breastfeeding, your baby will be feeding almost all the time initially (for the first weeks/months) as your supply adjusts to meet her demand and she goes through multiple growth spurts, and this is completely normal. You’ll be severely sleep deprived as you struggle between post-birth recovery, your baby, and day-to-day duties, so have as much help ready as possible. Get help ready by your third trimester, so that you’ll not be caught surprised by an early birth.

If you’re planning to exclusively breastfeed, read up as much as you can before your baby is born. Join breastfeeding groups on Facebook. Go for courses that are wholly on breastfeeding so that you will know what to do once your baby is out. Have a list of qualified lactation consultant contacts ready such that you can engage them right after birth if needed (some can visit you at the hospital, so call and check in advance). Have all these prep work ready, because feeding starts right after your baby is born and happens every 1-2 hours whether you’re tired or sleeping, and you’re not going to get much down time in-between feeds.

For us, we didn’t get proper support at our hospital which caused us to have an extremely rough start with breastfeeding, and it was through sheer grit and perserverence that we pushed through with exclusive breastfeeding in the end. In Singapore, only 1% of babies are exclusively breastfed for the first six months^[1] compared to the global figure of 38%^[2], and having been through the process, I can understand why — there is just very poor support at the social and systemic level here, despite it appearing otherwise. The knowledge for breastfeeding is lost in my parents’ generation given that almost everyone raised their children fully on formula milk, and many Chinese parents give terrible advice on breastfeeding to moms my age (most of them think that formula milk is superior and breastmilk is “diluted,” and that Chinese women have insufficient breastmilk). In hospitals, some nurses are quick to suggest formula-feeding rather than try to help the mom with breastfeeding, and even the hospital magazines and post-birth goodie bags that Ken and I got from our hospital were filled with formula milk ads! The plastic cover of Baby A’s Official Health Booklet from my hospital, which we need to use for her health checkups, is actually a full-page ad for formula milk, which I thought was in poor taste!

If you’re planning to have a fully natural birth, be sure to read up on the cascade of interventions at hospitals,^[1][2][3] and to learn more about the typical hospital processes that hinder rather than aid birth.^[4][5] Read up on the pros and cons of each hospital intervention, so that you can make an educated choice when the time comes. Read up on hypnobirthing; this will help you manage your birth when it comes, rather than being caught in fear and then picking whatever solution that is presented when it may not be the best for you.

Also, get everything in place as soon as possible, preferably by 35-36 weeks. A full-term pregnancy is 37-42 weeks, and most moms give birth between 40 and 41 weeks. Based on that, Ken and I planned for a birth timing of 38 weeks, thinking that we were playing it safe. Well, Baby A came out right when I hit full-term, and we honestly felt like we were hit by a truck for the first few weeks as we were not fully ready!! 🤣

Once your baby is born, the wheel starts spinning, and you need to be ready at all times for all her feeds, her needs (which will be mainly food/sleep in the first few weeks, as you will see). You’ll realize that a simple minute in your life used to a fleeting moment that you blink and forget, but when you have a baby, it can be the difference between life and death as your baby escalates from slight fussiness to full-blown, hysterical crying that rocks the entire estate, and you have to stop everything you’re doing and race over to tend to her. This has basically been our life in a nutshell for the past few months. 😅🤣

What’s Ahead

Since I sent out my last newsletter on Baby A’s birth, I’ve received hundreds of emails and well wishes from you guys!! From the bottom of my heart, thank you. Thank you for all your well wishes, and your support all these years. Thank you for following my work, and for taking the time to write me a message. It means the world to me. I’m not able to write a personal note to every single one of you, but know that I’ve read your well wishes with much love and gratitude.

I have many ideas on what to write next, but at the same time I’d love to hear from you. What are you interested to read at PE? What would you like me to cover next? I have some topics brewing from during my pregnancy, and I’ll be writing about them in due time as I make time out in between baby duties and self-care.

In the meantime, I hope that you are doing well. I’ll be posting new stuff real soon! 🙂

This is part 2 of my birth series, where I share my pregnancy journey and my birth story. If you’ve not read part 1 yet, you can do so here: My Pregnancy Journey (And Why I Kept My Pregnancy A Secret)

The post My Birth Story: Birth of Baby A! appeared first on Personal Excellence.

“So, when are you having kids?” my aunt asked me straight in the face, soon after I got married. At that point, I had been married for a few months. I didn’t even know if I wanted kids, much less when I was having them.

Caught off guard, I said, “I have not decided if I want kids.” I would spend the next hour listening to stories of women who had difficulty conceiving for a variety of reasons, with the implicit message being that I was going to be like them and regret it if I didn’t hurry and work on churning out babies.

This would be my life for the next few years, where I received varying forms of “When are you having kids?”, followed by a routine, almost ritualistic pressurization to have kids.

Lest you think that it ends after having a child, it doesn’t — the people who previously tried to persuade you to have “just one kid” when you were indifferent to the idea, now tell you to have “just one more.” It seems like you just can’t win. 😒

The problem with asking, “When are you having kids?”

I can understand why people like to ask this question. Find a partner, settle down, get married, and have kids. This is the life path that we’ve been taught to follow since young. This is the path that we’ve been told is the way of life, which would bring us ultimate joy and happiness.

This is especially so in the Chinese culture, where having kids is seen as the ultimate goal in life. There are even sayings built around this notion, such as 生儿育女 (shēng ér yù nǚ), which means to birth sons and raise daughters, and 子孙满堂 (zǐ sūn mǎn táng), which means to be in a room filled with children and grandchildren.

A multi-generation family, often used to depict a vision of happiness in the Chinese culture

So after you get married, people automatically assume that you should have kids. “When are you having kids?” they ask, somehow expecting you to give them a straight answer.

The problem with this question is that it’s rude. It’s presumptuous. It’s also insensitive.

1) Happiness can come in different forms

Firstly, everyone has their path in life. Some people want kids, while some don’t want kids. Some people think that having kids is the greatest joy in life, while some see having kids as a burden to their carefree life. To presume that everyone should have kids, especially when the person has never said anything about wanting kids, is rude and disregards the person’s preferences and choice in life.

Take for example, Oprah Winfrey. She chose not to have children and has dedicated herself to her personal purpose of serving the world. Oprah hosted her talk show The Oprah Winfrey Show which ran for 25 years, founded a leadership academy for girls and became a mother figure to the girls in attendance, and started her own television network. Through the years, she has inspired millions and become a champion for humans worldwide. As she says,

“When people were pressuring me to get married and have children, I knew I was not going to be a person that ever regretted not having them, because I feel like I am a mother to the world’s children. Love knows no boundaries. It doesn’t matter if a child came from your womb or if you found that person at age two, 10, or 20. If the love is real, the caring is pure and it comes from a good space, it works.” — Oprah^[1]

There are other people who chose not to have kids as well.

• Betty White, actress and comedian, chose not to have kids as she’s passionate about her career and focused on it.^[2]
• Chelsea Handler, talkshow host, doesn’t have kids as she doesn’t have the time to raise a child herself, and she doesn’t want her kids to be raised by a nanny.^[3]
• Ashley Judd, actress and politican activist, chose not to have kids as there are already so many orphaned kids in this world, and she feels that her resources can be better used to help those already here.^[4]

And then there are others who chose not to have kids, such as Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi, Cameron Diaz, Chow Yun Fat, Marisa Tomei, Renée Zellweger, and Rachael Ray. These people choose not to have kids for different reasons, such as because they’re pursuing paths deeply meaningful to them, they do not wish to be tied down with a child, or they just don’t feel a deep desire to have kids. Not having kids has not prevented them from being happy in life, and there’s no reason to assume why people must have kids in order to be happy.

2) You may well cause hurt and pain

Secondly, you never know what others are going through.

Some people may want kids, but maybe they are facing fertility struggles. 

• Mark Zuckerberg and his wife Priscilla Chan went through three miscarriages before having their firstborn.^[5] 
• The Obamas had a miscarriage before they had their daughters via IVF.^[6] 
• Friends star Courteney Cox had a total of seven miscarriages before having her daughter, as she has a MTHFR gene mutation which raises the risk of miscarriage-causing blood clots.^[7] 

About 10% of women have difficulty getting pregnant or staying pregnant,^[8] while 13.5% of known pregnancies end in miscarriages, with the figure rising as the maternal age rises.^[9]

For some people, the journey to conceive is fraught with deep pain, struggle, and losses as they experience miscarriages, undergo round after round of invasive fertility treatments, and wait in hope of the double blue lines on their pregnancy kit each month.

And then there are people who cannot have their own biological children due to issues with their reproductive system, which could have been there since birth.

Barack and Michelle Obama had a miscarriage before they had their daughters via IVF

While you may be think that you’re being helpful or funny by asking people when they’re having kids, your question may well trigger hurt and pain. As Zuckerberg said,

“You feel so hopeful when you learn you’re going to have a child. You start imagining who they’ll become and dreaming of hopes for their future. You start making plans, and then they’re gone. It’s a lonely experience.”^[5]

3) Not everyone is in a position to have kids

Thirdly, having kids is simply not a reality for some people due to their circumstances in life.

Some people may lack the financial resources to have kids, a reality in a place like Singapore. 

Some people may be facing problems with their marriage, in which case their priority should be to work on their marriage, not to have kids.

Some people may be so burdened with caring for their dependents that they are unable to consider kids, at least not at the moment. 

And then there are people facing chronic health issues, issues that you don’t know and can’t see, which make pregnancy difficult due to the toll it would take on their body.

4) Some couples could still be thinking

And then there are people who are neutral to the idea of having kids, like myself when I just got married. These people need time to think it through, because having kids is a permanent, lifelong decision with serious consequences. There’s no reason to assume that having a kid should be an automatic decision, because you’re bringing a whole new life into this world. This is a decision that will change your life forever, as well as the life of the child you’re bringing into the world.

For those yet to have kids, they need the space to figure out what they want, not have people breathe down their neck day in and out about having kids.

My experience

For the initial years after I got married, I just wasn’t thinking about kids. Firstly, having a child is a lifelong decision, and I wanted to enjoy married life with just my husband first, before diving into a decision as serious as that. Secondly, both my husband and I were genuinely happy spending the rest of our lives with just each other — we didn’t feel the need to have kids at all, not in the way my culture obssesses about it. Thirdly, my husband was dealing with some personal problems, and I was fully focused on supporting him through these. These were issues that we needed to sort through before considering kids, if we were to want kids.

Yet I kept getting nudges to have kids, even though I never said anything about wanting them.

“So, when are you having kids?”

“[This relative’s] baby is so cute, isn’t it? Why don’t you hurry up and birth a baby?”

It was as if I was some vehicle, some production machine to have kids, where my own views in the matter didn’t matter. The most frustrating thing was that I kept getting this question, while my husband would never get it (as a man), not even when we were in the same room together.

It was as if my sole reason for existence as a woman was to have kids, and until I had them, I was regarded as unworthy or incomplete.

The decision to have kids

Yet the decision to have children is a personal one. It is also a complex one. It is a decision that will permanently change the lives of the couple in question.

It is not a decision that one should be pressurized into making because their mom wants to carry grandchildren or their aunt wants to play with kids. It’s a decision that a couple should make because they genuinely want to nurture another life. 

Because when a child is born, the people bugging others to have kids aren’t the ones who will be caring for the baby 24/7, whose lives will be set back by years (even decades) as they care for a new life, or who will be responsible for every decision concerning the child for the next 18-21 years. It will be the couple.

And the people who aren’t ready, who were pressured into having kids because they were told that it was the best thing to do, may have to deal with regret as they are stuck with a decision they cannot undo. Because there are people who regret having kids, and we need to be honest about that. These people regret, not because of the child’s fault, but because they were simply not ready to have kids, be it financially, emotionally, or mentally. Unfortunately, the children are the ones who eventually suffer, from living in dysfunctional households to dealing with issues of violence, abuse, and anger.

We need to recognize these realities, and not make parenthood seem like it’s some magical band-aid that solves a lack of purpose or life’s pressures. Things don’t magically get better because people have kids; existing problems usually worsen as having a child puts a big strain on a couple’s lives. Digging into people’s plans to have kids, and pressurizing them into one of the biggest life decisions they can ever make, will only stress them out and perhaps push some into depression. As this redditor shared, 

“I have a friend who went through 6 years of miscarriages and fertility treatments before the doctors figured out the problem and she had her son. The nosy ladies at her work and her in-laws questioned her constantly. The depression from that made it harder for her to conceive.”

Stop asking couples when they’re having kids

So, if you tend to ask others when they’re having kids, it’s time to stop that. It’s rude, insensitive, and it disregards people’s privacy. It’s also none of your business.

The reality is that if people want kids, they will work on having kids. They don’t need you to prod them about it.

If they don’t have kids, it’s either because

1. they really don’t want kids,
2. they are not in a position to consider kids right now, or
3. they want kids but they are facing some struggles.

For people in group (c), they aren’t going to share such deeply personal experience over some afternoon coffee chat, and certainly not by you asking, “When are you having kids?”

The best thing you can do is to give people their personal space. Understand that having kids is a personal decision, and people don’t have to share or explain anything. Respect that others have their right to privacy. Respect that people are individuals on their own path, and this path may not involve having kids. And this doesn’t make them incomplete or lesser in any way.

Instead of asking women or couples, “When are you having kids?”, talk to them like how you would a normal person. There’s no reason why conversations should suddenly revolve around childbearing after marriage; it’s not like a person’s identity changes to revolve around having kids. A person still has their own passion, goals, and dreams. Talk to them about what they’ve been doing. Understand their interests. Know them as a real person, not some random being here to fulfill society’s checklist.

If you’re really interested in someone’s plan to have children, you can simply ask, “Are you and your partner planning to have kids?” If they wish to share more, they will do so. If they give a generic answer, then take the hint and move on.

Ultimately, having kids or not doesn’t change a person’s self-worth. A woman is complete with or without kids. A marriage doesn’t need kids to be deemed complete. Having kids should be a conscious choice, not a result of external pressure. Don’t judge people by whether they have kids or not. Some people will have kids, and some people will not have kids. Some will have kids early, while some will have them later in life. All of these are different paths, and there’s nothing wrong about any of them.

For Me

For my husband and I, we eventually had a few discussions and decided to have a baby, and had our baby girl this year. 😊 Yet other people’s comments and nudges to have children didn’t make me want to have children; it only annoyed me and made me want to avoid these people, because having a child is a personal decision between me and my husband, that has nothing to do with them. It was after we had the space to settle down and enjoy married life without kids, and took some time to actively pursue our goals and interests, that we finally felt ready to try for a kid last year.

Some of you have asked me to write a post on how to decide if you want children, so I’ll be covering this in one of my next posts! I have other topics in mind (like how to deal with information overload, how to get a fresh start in life) that I’ll be writing about in time to come too. If there are any topics that you’d like to see answered, let me know! 

In the meantime, I hope all of you are doing well. There are other things that I’m working on, other things that are happening that I look forward to sharing in time to come. Sending lots of love to you, and remember that whatever life challenge you’re facing, you have it in you to overcome it. I’ll talk to you guys soon! 🙂

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